FOR A YES, FIRST A NO

If Mary and Peter Hamm had had Maria first, they might not have had any more kids. Maria, the second of their 12 children, said no to giving her kindergarten teacher a Christmas present the teacher might actually use, insisting instead on making something resembling gloves out of felt. She fought her mother over taking piano lessons until finally Mary allowed her to take up the guitar. At 14, she objected when Mary told her to stay out of her boyfriend8217;s bedroom. She was always testing the limits, Mary recalls, and never shy about saying no.
How frustrating the 8220;no8221; word can be: for the parent trying to corral a wayward child, for an employee fighting for a raise, for a diplomat trying to broker agreement between warring countries.
But consider what can happen when people don8217;t say no. A teenager can8217;t resist the cigarettes her friend offers and ends up hooked. A working mother of three volunteers to chair the PTA board and wonders why she barks all the time at her husband. A financial officer agrees to shift company money illegally, against his better judgment, and ends up in prison.
Everyday choices today are so numerous, stress levels so high, corporate and military scandals so well publicised, that the 8220;no8221; that came so naturally to Maria appears to be garnering public interest as never before. At least that8217;s what a slew of books published over the past couple of years suggest, including The Book of No, Pleasing People: How Not to Be an 8216;Approval Junkie8217; and, this year, William Ury8217;s The Power of a Positive No.
8220;In order to say yes to what8217;s truly important, you first need to say no to other things,8221; says Ury. 8220;It8217;s the defining challenge of our age.8221;
The groundwork for saying no and yes is laid in the first year of life, according to Stanley Greenspan, a clinical professor of psychiatry at George Washington University Medical School. As parents interact with their infants, responding to the babies8217; sounds, babies learn that they can make something happen8212;their first taste of exerting a will.
The actual word 8220;no8221;8212;as well as 8220;yes8221;8212;starts appearing when a child is about 18 months old. Greenspan, author of the parenting book Great Kids, uses this example: Susie brings Mommy to the refrigerator and points to the juice. If Mommy says, 8220;Milk?8221; Susie shakes her head no. She may take Mommy8217;s hand and move it to the juice8212;a sign that she8217;s learning not only how to say no to what she doesn8217;t want but yes to what she does, both key elements of identity development.

In the next few years, as she learns the values of her family, she begins to identify reasons for her emotions. It8217;s not enough that she be able to tell right from wrong, says Greenspan; she needs to care about what is right and wrong. Caring is what distinguishes the moral or ethical no from the insufficient, expedient no.
In early to mid-adolescence, reflective thinking sets in, allowing children to go one step further and separate their feelings of the moment from what kind of person they are. Telling another person yes may come from a desire to fit in with the crowd, or from the admirable instinct to be sensitive and civil. Either way, it might not be the right choice. 8220;So when someone offers a teenage kid some drugs,8221; Greenspan explains, 8220;he or she can say, 8216;I8217;m tempted, but that is not the person I am. It8217;s too risky for me even though I may alienate someone at that moment.8217; 8220;
Most parents will say they want children who stand up for themselves. The problem comes when that means standing up to Mom and Dad, Ury explains. If kids are mostly rewarded for compliance by parents, teachers or both, when they grow up and have to say the less familiar no, it 8220;can come across as an attack. Then they feel guilty and so the next time avoid the situation altogether.8221;
Learning to say no later in life can be difficult, as Gene Buck, a policy specialist with the Congressional Research Service, knows. Buck grew up hearing that good kids do what they8217;re told to do. He and his family lived on a farm in New York where 8220;there were lots of ways to get into trouble and have problems. We had very strong discipline.8221; The family moved to the city when he was in junior high, and he did well in school to keep his parents8217; approval.
In college, he continued to seek endorsement, this time from his classmates. 8220;I was involved in everything, trying to get that social acceptance,8221; he recalls. 8220;I joined a fraternity, rushed into an early marriage.8221; Even today, as a husband and father of three young men, 8220;I find myself bending over backward to say yes, especially when I8217;m vested in a relationship.8221;
-Laura Sessions Stepp The Washington Post