A funny thing happened to the news channels as they chased each other’s tail around the competition circuit. They’re suffering from a mid-season identity crisis. Whenever there is a religious event, they mistake themselves for Astha Channel and broadcast the event live. And no sooner has one ended than they’ve taken up with the next one. They spent an entire week in Nashik for the Kumbh, chatting up the sadhus. Barely had the dead of the stampede been cremated and they were cosying up to Ganesh for a jolly good immersion.This might be winning them the devotion of Hindu eyeballs but it’s poor television and low, we imagine, on spiritual nutrition. Surely, the sanctity of a ritual lies in personal observation, not watching human beings of motley shapes and sizes (predominantly rotund men with tangled beards) high jump into the water as though they’re practising for the World Diving Championships?If we must observe religious rituals on television, watch our serials. More prayers here than in a mandir, and more religious discourse than on Astha, Sanskriti and Sadhana channels put together. The devout (predominantly shapely women with neatly combed hair) are far prettier and holier than thou. They live and breathe spirituality aakhir saans tak.It almost came to that, last week on Kahani Ghar Ghar Ki (Star Plus), when Parvati came face to ugly face with her old paramour. His intention? To rape her, although he put it rather more politely — ‘‘aaj tumko apna hi bana loonga’’. This happy thought remained a thought because the Gods were on hand, conveniently seated in the drawing room. The moment he advanced his sexual ambitions, Divine powers spilt ghee on the floor, dropped a diya (actually it was an off screen blower, but never mind) which lit up a circle of protective fire around Parvati. By the time the fire extinguished itself, husband Om had arrived to beat the last living lascivious thought out of him.Alternatively, join dewy-eyed and moist-lipped Maya in her pooja room (Sambhav Asambhav, Sony). Maya’s bosom has been heaving with righteous indignation ever since the conniving Kanika, her husband’s unrequited lover, married his father to punish him (Siddhartha, not the father). It’s Karva Chauth and Maya rings the holy bell with ferocious devotion, demanding that the Gods bar her step mother-in-law entry into the pooja room. And lo: with timing more perfect than Big Ben’s, Kanika clocks 360 degrees faster than a compass, and tumbles down the stairs to form a messy puddle at the bottom.This is divinity at work and far more satisfying than skinny-dipping on the news channels.A clutch of new shows across channels are demanding their moment in the tubelight. Karishma. The Miracles of Destiny (Sahara), Awaaz.Dil Se Dil Tak (Zee), Force 1 (Sony), Arzoo Hai Tu (Sahara), and Jassi Jaisi Koi Nahin (Sony). This week sees the latest Balaji’s K offering — Kahin To Hoga and Kahani. advancing by 18 years, following Shagun which leapfrogged 20 years a fortnight ago and Kyunki. which did a Anju Bobby George long jump some 18 months ago. From the promos, Parvati appears reluctant to age looking as flawless as good cut glass. At least Karishma. has the decency to wear a grey wig.What’s exciting about the new shows is that only two begin with K and none are similar in content. We’ll deal with most of them next week, but for now, let’s say a huge hello to Jassi, the indisputed star of the week. Her freshness is refreshing (well.) and endearing. You want to hug her, protect her. Jassi, a cross between the Ugly Duckling and Plain Jane, wears an unfashionable fringe which meets her thick eyebrows that are only partially obscured by thickset glasses balanced on a nondescript nose beneath which lies a mouth full of teeth in braces! She wears drab salwar kameez and speaks like you would expect Jassi from da Panjab to speak. She’s just become the secretary to the Chairman (?) of fashion house and the butt of everyone’s contempt. The first week has been a delight. See if they can keep it up.
