Diary of a devoted wife

Frankly, I’m past caring. Can reconcile myself to a cheating husband for the sake of Our White House, but the one thing I cannot stand is bad taste. Gennifer Flowers, Paula Jones, Monica Lewinsky — excuse me while I puke! But I didn’t let on. Mustn’t forget the vision thing, must we, Bill, I said. Now come on let’s getdressed, drink up our asparagus juice, and head for that prayer meeting. And please remember to zip up your pants. We are in enough trouble already.

SEPT 12: My palms ache with all that clapping I had to do yesterday. Did my two-minute routine for Silly Billy, told everyone how I loved him, and how I loved what he was doing for America. Short of kissing babies, it was like the primaries. Christ, the things We have to do in politics! Silly Billy even broke down at the memorial service for the bombing victims. I let him weep. Makes great visuals.

Today’s going to be a tough day. Plan to wear the off-white Ralph Lauren suit to cope. Hillary Rodham Clinton, you be cool, I told myself. The Congress had voted 363-63 to release the Starr report and they shipped all the stuff in 36 boxes of muck. Plan to read the report tonight.

SEPT 13: I’m still seeing starrs wherever I look. At least I now have insights into Silly Billy’s behaviour that 20-odd years of marriage didn’t give me, I console myself. Christ, helikes frogs of all creatures no wonder he went for that Monica. And pizzas, for heaven’s sake! After all those fine health foods I had flown in from Maxims.

Silly Billy came into my dressing room with that hangdog expression that he’s getting very good at. Picked it up from Buddy, I’ll bet. I just looked right through him, and he slunk off. But it struck me then that Camelot must not crack. So I went after him and got him to walk with Us around the White House gardens, hand in hand. For the photographers.

Chelsea called — she was in tears. Her friends now want to be introduced to Monica, she says. I consoled her as best I could.

SEPT 14: My thoughts keep drifting back to that report. Handsome, she called him, sweetie, he called her. Said she made him feel younger, the old toad. Now what was the room they misbehaved in? Ah yes, the windowless hallway adjacent to the study. Must get some windows put into it right away. Must tell the housekeeper to trash the cigars forthwith.

Today’s the$50,000-a-plate dinner affair in New York. Plan to wear the Versace and the white beads. Must look glam, Hillary, I told myself.

SEPT 15: The dinner was a success. Gore said his thing — frankly, I find him a bore, ditto his wife. But they said the right things, must say. The evening was nice — a special performance of The Lion King. My Loin King can still charm, despite all that smut flying about him.“Go tell people not to be complacent. Tell them not to worry about adversity,” he said in his speech. He should know!

This woman I met told me about this Singaporean who has designed a chastity belt for women. Must find out if he could strap one up for Silly Billy. That should keep him out of trouble for the rest of Our term. Genitals can be so distracting.

SEPT 16: Began today with a personal pledge that I will never leave Silly Billy’s side for the rest of Our presidential term. Look where those trips I did alone to India and Ethiopia got me. Phone sex. Gawd. Spare me the details. Husbands are likefires — they go out if left unattended. That’s what Zsa Zsa Gabor told me. She should know, having married so many of them.

SEPT 17: Checked out Our job rating. It’s still holding firm at 62 per cent. We can fight them, Bill, I said, just sack the legal team. We will mount a vigorous defence using all the appropriate arguments. Silly Billy nodded sadly. He’s just learnt that they want that videotape of his depositions to be released to the public.

They are also planning to release stuff from those boxes soon. And that woman Paula Jones’s appeal could come up too. Christ, this Camelot thing may come unstuck. It fills me with a strange anxiety for Our Presidency. Oh well, let Us to bed. Tomorrow is another day.