Culture vultures

FREEDOM OF IMPRESSION: The term, freedom of expression, is a particularly dangerous one fostered by anti-social elements, like those incorrigible civil liberties wallahs, whose only wish is to destroy the cultural fabric of our beloved Bharat Mata. We, therefore, posit the alternate phrase — freedom of impression. This is a complex concept that would require several pages if it is to be properly explained. In short, it is the freedom of every ordinary Bajrang Dal/Shiv Sena worker to come to a quick impression about an artist’s work and break all the tubelights in his residence.

ART CRITICISM: This has, thus far, always been pretentious activity undertaken by an arrogant tribe looking for hidden meanings in so-called works of art. Their sole purpose in life, we believe, is to confound people by brandishing terms that no one understands. We feel this is subversive activity meant to undermine the great artistic heritage of our beloved motherland. We further believe that words areredundant in genuine art criticism. Much more useful and to the point are blades, matches, lathis, pots of tar and other such critical aids that the ordinary Bajrang Dal/Shiv Sena worker may deploy from time to time to make known to the world their criticism of certain so-called works of art.

CUBISM: Considered the parent of all abstract art forms, cubism attempts to combine several views of an object to express the idea of the object. All this some Picasso-Vicasso banda talked about long ago. But it is plain bakwas. In our scheme of things, cubism is the movement in air of a squarish object, made of granite or any such durable material, which has the effect of shattering the window panes of galleries housing subversive art or of auditoria accommodating unwelcome artistes from across the border.

DADAISM: It was in the videshi shehar of Zurich that this movement first began, many decades ago. The idea was to outrage and scandalise society by attacking art — oursentiments precisely. However, we have refined Dadaism still further by introducing the neighbourhood dada, or hoodlum, into our art appreciation activities. It is he who will make sensitive decisions as to whether a particular work of art needs to be destroyed by having a pot of machine oil thrown on it or whether it should be gently dissected by means of a kitchen knife.

ABSTRACT EXPRESSIONISM: This is all about letting the subconscious express itself. In our humble way, we are doing just this by allowing the subconscious of our Bajrang Dal/Shiv Sena brethren freeplay. This can happen in various ways, but our most successful exposition of this approach was when our Bajrang Dal sisters and brothers punched holes into an empty canvas in M.F. Husain’s home on May 1. The boldness of this technique has much to commend itself.

MANNERISM: There are two schools of thought on this art concept — whether it should be good mannerism or bad mannerism. We have always believed in good mannerism.Therefore we did not, you may have noticed, barge into Husain’s residence the other day. It was only because the front door was open that we invited ourselves inside. Similarly, please note that we did not remove Ghulam Ali’s front teeth or give him a black eye in deference to our great tradition of atithi devo bhava, or treating every guest as God. We merely requested him with folded hands not to perform anywhere in India if he values his life.

FUTURISM: A school of thought that believes that the future is not bright for those who wish to affront the sensitivities of the humble Bajrang Dal/Shiv Sena cadre by engaging in so-called artistic activity.