Before a bonfire on the grassy lawns of 1, Anne Marg, sat Laloo Prasad Yadav, suitably muffler-ed and shawl-ed against the punishing January chill. Bihar’s chief minister busied herself in matters of state, which in this instance required her to ply her lord and master with crisp alu-gobi pakoras. Warmed up by the fire and the artistry of his wife’s culinary genius, Laloo reached for his favourite banarasi meetha paan, which was always handy, along with its mandatory accessory, the thook-daan or spitoon. He was in an expansive mood.Arrey bhai, the whole duniya is getting into a chakar over kidnapping in our Bihar. Only chaar, four, childrens, have been kidnapped so far and they are shouting from chhath, rooftop. Arrey bhai, do you know that in places like Nepal, childs are kidnapped by thousands and thousands? Now don’t miss understanding me. Myself Laloo is father of nine children and I am also feeling sad over kidnapping-shidnapping. But this is only conspiracy to tarnish fair name of crime-free government of Rabri Devi, that is why my opponents are doing kidnapping. I am knowing this very well.No law and order problem in Bihar. Yeh mediawale, these media people, always are loving to chhap, print, such news. Sab jhooth hai, all lies. Arrey bhai, in my Bihar my Order is Law, so what law and order problem is Bihar having? Even myself went to jail. Nahin mila bail, main gaya jail. No bail, went to jail. Simple-simple. Law and order is tip-top in Bihar. Remember, all of you, to be voting for Laaltein, Lantern, next month. RJD only party that can guarantee crimeless politics because it has more kidnapwale, murderwale, extortionwale, blackmailwale, smugglerwale, don-wale — you know meaning of don, no? — than any other party. Samajh gaya na, you understanding? That is challenge I am throwing to my political opponents. This means that only Rabri government can be suppressing daku log, because they are our brethren. I can tell them facing-to-facing while drinking chai with them, “apko andar kar denge, I will putting all of you in lock-up,” and they will be shivering in bhay, fear. Can Rambilas do this? Nitish? Georgesaab? Can that nikamma Jaitley do this? I, Laloo, am throwing challenge. Let me see them catching it.See Rabri Devi is devi. People are really believing she is devi. She is devi and I am her griha devata, samajh gaya na? She’s doing better job than anybody for Yadav uplift. Take, as simple example, the Yadavs in her parivar, family. Subhas and Sadhu, her brothers, are now MPs. Their wives will become MLAs in this chunav. In only 15 years, pandrah saal, they have been uplifted to top class. In next five years, we will be uplifting other Yadavs, inside our parivar and outside. Samajh gaya na, our method of uplifting? Mediawale bahut vyakul hain, the media is very impatient. They want uplifting nightover. How is that possible I am asking? Slowly-slowly, dheere-dheere, all backwards will be going forwards and upwards. Look at me, Laloo. I am now like Amitabh Bachchan. You all must go and be seeing fillum, ‘Padmashree Laloo Prasad Yadav’. It is tip-top fillum and I am doing role wearing white khadi kurta and holding lathi and telling peoples to be good. I am saying: “Chori nahi karna. Desh ka naam roshan karna.” I am translating: do not be robbing. Keep nation’s light shining like RJD laltein. This is personally my motto also.Mediawalle are writing nonsense about comingforth election, about swing-fung factor-shactor and all. Laloo ka rajya mein, in Laloo’s state, there is only one factor: Laloo factor, mind it. Muslims hamare paas hain, Muslims are with us, Backwards are of course with us, pichdey log, Dalits, are with us, where can they go? And the nation’s bahu is also with us. Everybody is with us subtracting those Good Pheel people, Jaitley and all, with their tredmill-shredmill and computer-shamputer. They will be seeing Laloo ki Laila very shortly. Unhei nani ki yaad ayegi. They are calling me country bumpkin but Rabri Devi wll be serving them pumpkin pakoras soon, mind it!Chupchap suniye ki main kya kah raha hoon. Listen carefully to what I am saying: kara bhains, ujar dahi/ bees saal Laloo rahi. I am translating: black buffalo, white curdy/ for 20 years Laloo will reign. After five years, we will altering slogan to pachees saal, 25 years. This is only poetic way of saying that Laloo is Bihar and Bihar is Laloo. Of course, one day I will become prime minister not just of Bihar but of India. Not today, but one day.With that he divested himself in one energetic spurt of the detritus of the best banarasi meetha paan that Patna could muster into his thook-daan. As usual, he didn’t miss the target. Some find it necessary to split and rule. Laloo needs only to spit and rule.
