Brief history of the world

To do my bit to bolster our national pride, so that future generations can look upon this our matrubhoomi, pitrubhoomi as a punyabhoomi and karmabhoomi, so that we can bring up our children and ourchildren’s children as true rashtradevahas, I have attempted to present a true account of early human history. I’m hoping, of course — if it is not being too presumptuous — that Joshiji will read this and invite me to make an expert presentation at the next State Education Ministers Conference.

To begin at the beginning, take Mesopotamia, which translates as land between two rivers. Known as the cradle of human civilisation, it has been hitherto placed somewhere in West Asia by historians. However, my humble scholastic inquiries have revealed that its true location was between our Ganga and Yamuna, in the ancient land of Mesopotampur.

If further proof of this is required one only had to look at the abstract, wedge-shaped Cuneiform lettering that emerged from Mesopotamia and which is now regarded as one of the earliest forms of writing known to man. Cuneiform has a distinct relationship with Brahmi, which as we know was a script created by our very own stone cutters.

My readings have alsorevealed that ancient Egyptian civilisation was our very own. As you may have noticed, Egyptians have always believed their Pharaohs were sons of Ra. This should have read as Ram. The missing `m’ is clearly yet another international conspiracy to rob this country of its past greatness. In one fell stroke, the remarkable ability to build the common plough or the majestic pyramid should rightly have been credited to us Indians.

What clinches this Ram connection is the fact that one of the greatest Pharaohs of all time went by the honorific of Ramses II (note how the missing `m’ surfaces). This individual, in keeping with the nature of true sons of this soil, built magnificent temples in his spare time, or so it is believed.

Luckily, we don’t have to revise American history too much. The whole world knows that it was the Indians of South America who grew beans and maize and raised animals as early as 2500 BC. But reclaiming Pythagoras, the ancient Greek mathematician, is more of a challenge. After persistentresearch, I finally discovered that this gent was really Peetha Gora — a certain fair-complexioned personage who had lived and worked in ancient Gorakhpur. How the Greeks got to claim him as their own is beyond me.

As for the Great Roman Empire, which rose and fell between 264 BC and 250 AD, it should really have been known as the Great Raman Empire. My reading reveals that it was Lord Rama and his armed devotees who had thus cut a swathe through western Europe, building cities as they went.

About Hannibal, can there be any doubt? In actual fact this remarkable general, who had led his army and 37 elephants — please note this fact — from Spain through the snow-covered Pyrenees and Alps into Italy in 218 BC was actually one Hari Bal from ancient Kapurthala, who just happened to have taken his elephants out to graze a bit further north than intended and was called upon to serve as an armed mercenary.

What, to my mind, has been by far the most perfidious historical lie perpetrated on the world, is theclaim that the Great Wall of China was built by the Chinese. I have discovered, over many nights of burning the midnight oil, that it was built brick-by-brick by ancient Indians.

Consider these rather sketchy observations only as a humble beginning. With more study one can, I’m sure, claim that much of human civilisation was created by Indian nationalism and spirituality. This is what we should be telling the world and our children, instead of cringing at India being ranked 139th in human development indices. Statistics are, in any case, only lies, damn lies.