At fifty, it’s a whole new world

Fifty. And alone, at this stage, on the crossroads of life. The husband having departed and the kids embarking on their own lives, most I...

Fifty. And alone, at this stage, on the crossroads of life. The husband having departed and the kids embarking on their own lives, most Indian women settle down to a life of compromise and conciliation. Resigning themselves to the age-old dictum ingrained in her psyche that a woman needs her father in her childhood, husband in youth and son in her old age, she invariably moves in with one of her children and resigns herself to spending the evening of her life adjusting to a home she cannot really call her own and to a lifestyle that is certainly not her choice.

Unless she is bold enough to break social diktats and realises that she can actually begin a wonderful life. When free of responsibilities, duties and binding relations, she can do the unthinkable lead her own life. For herself. And by herself.

Which is what some of these intrepid and forward-looking women of Pune have done opting to stay on their own. In the bargain, they have carved out a life free of stress and compromises and replete with healthy relationships with their children and their spouses.

“When my son got married, I suggested that he stay independently so that he and his wife could get the feel of having their own home,” reveals Shaila Mehendiratta (58) whose husband passed away a few years ago. She now lives alone in her home in Salunkhe Vihar.

“He was reluctant but I was keen that he and his wife develop that understanding so crucial in the initial years without the encumbering presence of a mother-in-law!” she smiles.“He shifted to Pashan and soon realised that it made him more responsible. Most mothers would have done the opposite but I wanted my son and daughter-in-law to have the kind of life I had. I never stayed with my in-laws and led an independent life which is exactly what I have given my daughter-in-law. And why not? Mothers need to get over feeling possessive about sons and get on with their own lives.”

“My son is perpetually asking me to live with him. But, I think this is the best possible arrangement whereby we are near and yet far,” says Kumudini Mundkur (73), mother of Colonel Vivek Mundkur, the hang gliding expert. Having taught in Lawrence School, Sanawar for 25 years with her husband before settling down in Pune, Mundkur now lives alone in her neat little apartment in Aundh after her husband’s death 10 years ago.

“I felt I could pursue my hobbies and lifestyle much better if I stayed alone. I teach classical music and have students coming at all times. Then, I am inclined towards philosophy and religion and my house becomes a meeting point for women who come here for any advice or just to unburden themselves. Why should I impose my lifestyle on others and vice versa?”

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The confidence seems to be the common quality amongst these independent-minded women.“You educate your children and teach them to stand on their own feet and then you, yourself become dependent. It doesn’t make sense to me,” reasons Savita Dutt (50), an estate agent. “My husband died in 1987 while still in service and since then I have taken all the major decisions. You get used to taking your own decisions and managing your life your way, so why change it if you can help it. Both my sons-in-law would love my staying with them, but I feel this arrangement is the best,” she feels.

Of course, the wish to avoid the scenario of mother-in-law versus daughter-in-law seems to be a major reason for this lone lifestyle. “I felt I had had 25 years of blissful life in a neutral family, so why not let my daughter-in-law have one too?” says Brindra Rishi(53) who has been on her own in Salunkhe Vihar for the past eight years after she lost her husband to cancer. “Two women in the house are bound to clash — it’s human,”adds Shaila candidly enough. “Distances do make the heart grow fonder. There is more love and respect. I love my daughter-in-law and find her wonderful. I talk to them daily, we meet every few days. My son handles my car servicing, bank hassles and we are all the best of friends. Plus, I meet my friends, play cards and come and go as I please.”

What about loneliness, illnesses, security anxieties? “I did have bouts of loneliness after my husband passed away but that’s natural. Of course, paper work can get nerve-wracking but friends help you out. That’s the advantage of being surrounded by friends from service days,” says Rishi who also teaches at St Helena’s school.“In fact, if my friends don’t see me for a few days they come enquiring. So, safety-wise there is no problem, especially in Pune.

“If I am ill, my son and his family come rushing and stay on till I am better,” adds Mundkur. “As for loneliness, I don’t find time to indulge in all my interests, where’s the time to feel lonesome.”

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Society’s perceptions and an almost universal acceptance of this trend today has helped. “Initially, some relatives and friends did question the decision, but now they all say,Good thinking’,” smiles Shaila, “Women would prefer living alone if they have the financial ability.”

So, with friends, their own pastimes ranging from cards to part-time work, financial independence, the comfortable knowledge that their children are there to reach out to in times of need and most importantly a broad-minded and healthy attitude towards life, is this increasing brigade of modern-day mothers and mothers-in-law who have actually put into practice the current generations philosophy of It’s my Life’.

“Actually, it’s more a case of live and let live,” smiles Savita. And the rest, as one can see, just falls into place. Way to go!