I don't understand this great fuss being made over Mayawati’s birthday celebrations. There are some incurable Wets around who keep whining on and on about how a miserably poor state with the most number of starving, famished, ragged, shivering, dying people in the country, should not be holding public extravaganzas that went out of style with the decline of the Mughal Empire. I mean, can’t a birthday girl cut a 51-kilo cake in peace without the whole world tut-tutting about it? Or don diamonds that are probably worth the entire GDP of her state and not have tongues wagging? Or requisition a Himalayan peak of ladoos without raising squawks of protest?How often, after all, does one turn 47 in a lifetime? In any case, have we forgotten how another chief minister — Tamil Nadu’s J. Jayalalithaa — celebrated her 46th birthday? With 46 grown men fasting for 46 days and then rolling for a kilometre to pay obeisance at the feet of the Puratchi Thalaivi, even as 46 people ate food right off the ground and one man actually pinned 46 lemons on his bare body by means of safety pins to celebrate that great event? In contrast, Mayawati is a true democrat. She staunchly believes in a multi-party system. Three or four birthday parties in Lucknow and then a few more in Delhi.I have one suggestion to make, however. In the interests of transparency and accountability, the state budget this year should make the necessary provision for her forthcoming 48th birthday celebrations. The budget should, therefore, include the following items as part of its Non-Plan expenditure.INFRASTRUCTURAL COSTS• To construct a giant pandal, designed like Buckingham Palace (and roughly of the same size) for Behenji’s forthcoming birthday (with sundry thrones, crowns and gilded walls thrown in). Meanwhile, to ensure that Lucknow turns into a shimmering mass of blue and white, 100,OOO hundred-litre buckets of emulsion paint should be requisitioned.FOOD AND PUBLIC DISTRIBUTION SYSTEM• To greet the Birthday Behenji, a cake shaped like the Red Fort (and almost as large), with a replica of Mayawati unfurling the Tricolour from its ramparts. This is to be freely distributed to political allies in New Delhi so that they get the message that it is time for them to move on.GENERAL BEAUTIFICATION• To welcome Mayawati, 4,800 quintals of the choicest blossom the world has to offer, including tulips from Amsterdam, orchids from Bangkok, and roses from Sao Paulo.ANIMAL WELFARE• To remind citizens that the elephant is the Birthday Girl’s election symbol, 4,800 caprisoned pachyderms to be led in a procession through the streets of the state capital.LIGHTING AND ACCESSORIES• To win Mayawati’s heart, a bodysuit comprising 48,000 of De Beers choicest diamonds.PUBLIC WELFARETo reward all those who participate in the festivities, a modest return gift of a Maruti 800 each.HUMAN RESOURCE DEVELOPMENT• To sing ‘Happy Birthday’ to Mayawati, provision will have to be made to transport entertainers to Lucknow Britney Spears, Michael Jackson, Paul McCartney, Jennifer Lopez, the Backstreet Boys, apart from the home-grown A.R. Rehman and others.ART AND CULTURE• To delight the hearts of BSP supporters, a special multi-crore, multi-starrer of a biographical film on the life and times of their leader needs to be commissioned, with Bachchan as Kanshi Ram and Aishwarya playing Mayawati.If you believe these suggestions are a tad extravagant, please remember this is all about Mayawati’s swabhiman, or self respect, which translates immediately into Uttar Pradesh’s self respect, which in turn reflects India’s self-respect. When Behenji glitters, all of us do so in our own humble way. So all I can say in my own humble way is ‘Happy birthday, Behenji’.Write to pamelaphilipose@expressindia.com
