12 honest fatherhood tweets that every dad can relate to, and every kid must read

I’m writing a children’s book in “all caps” so people know to yell.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) May 13, 2016

The best thing about trying to name a baby is realizing how many people you hate

— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) June 5, 2014

watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence

at least we don’t have to save for college

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) January 27, 2014

My 2-y-o can figure out how to work the TV remote, but can’t find his mouth while eating spaghetti.

— Matt Brennan (@SpiralingMatt) June 14, 2015

5: daddy can I tell you a secret?

Me: sure thing buddy

Story continues below this ad

5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands

— DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) June 9, 2015

[5:45 AM, in a harsh whisper]

Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the oven?

Me: I’m up.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 21, 2015

Don’t ask me if I’ve seen a new movie.

I have four little girls.

If there wasn’t a singing princess in it, the answer is no.

— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 11, 2016

Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) September 17, 2015

I’m shoving a bottle in my kid’s mouth to stop him from crying. Care to shove a bottle in mine? Preferably bourbon, so I’ll stop crying too.

— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) May 17, 2016

When your two year old daughter utters the phrase “papa can you do me a favor” with a sweet smile…. And it begins… #reality #fatherhood

— Sam Rathke (@SSRathke) April 17, 2016

I bought a book called “Stress Free Parenting” and the first chapter was titled “PICKING THE RIGHT FOSTER HOME”.

— Svenn Amish (@amishschool) May 15, 2016

The hardest part about being a parent is pretending like you know what you’re doing.

— Sammy Rhodes (@sammyrhodes) January 30, 2015