English Premier League 2015 first weekend, first Show, Mission: Impossible style

If you had told us that the team that many were regarding as favourites for the title this year, Arsenal, would not only lose their opening match to West Ham, who were under new management, but also do so at home without being able to score a single goal, we would have shaken our wise heads at your naivete. A day after the Hammers hammered the Gunners 2-0, we are shaking our heads at our own, and wondering if we are wise after all.

Cheikhou Kouyate scores the first goal for West Ham. (Source: Reuters)

Runner up: Chelsea’s 2-2 draw at home to Swansea. No one saw that one coming, really. Not even the far-sighted Mourinho.

Mission: Impossible II award for Best Goal

The Stoke City vs Liverpool match seemed to be drifting to a dull, goalless draw (oh, the contrast with the tennis score that Stoke meted out to a stunned Liverpool in the last match of the previous season), when Liverpool’s resident artist, Philip Coutinho decided to walk on water (metaphorically) and suddenly turned one Stoke defender, sashayed past another and then smashed a thundering shot across goalkeeper Butland from well outside the box. What a goal to win an otherwise incredibly insipid watch. It did break Stoke City hearts (and literally gave one fan a heart attack), though.

Philippe Coutinho (C) celebrates with James Milner, Martin Skrtel, Emre Can and Roberto Firmino after scoring the first goal for Liverpool. (Source: Reuters)

Runner up: Everton’s Ross Barkley’s thunderbolt from just outside the penalty area to bring his team on level terms for the first time against Watford (Watford would go ahead again and Everton would equalise again, but Barkley’s goal was the stuff goalkeeping nightmares are made of).

Mission: Impossible III for the most Spectacular Howler

There were a number of slip ups and miss passes as players tried to shake off the rust of the off-season and get into the swing of things. But in terms of shockers, there was probably none that matches that made by Arsenal goalkeeper Petr Cech, whose signing was considered by many to be the panacea to Arsenal’s goalkeeping woes of late. Defending a West Ham free kick, he suddenly dashed off his line to punch the ball and got nowhere near it, allowing a pleasantly surprised Kouyate to give the Hammers the lead. The error seemed to have disoriented Cech, for he then allowed the second goal to sneak in on his near post. Shocking for a player of his calibre.

Petr Cech was far from his commanding best at the Emirates. (Source: Reuters)

Runner up: By some sublime coincidence, it is the man who replaced Cech at Chelsea, Thibaut Courtois. The Chelsea goalkeeper did not just run off his line to confront Swansea’s Gomis, but also fouled him for good measure, earning himself a red card and Swansea a penalty that allowed them to draw level.

The Mission: Impossible Ghost Protocol Award for the Most Notable Ghost/Absentee

Looking a lot like Ceasar’s ghost in Brutus’ tent was one of Manchester United’s few stars of the previous season. United had a less than memorable 2014-15, but it could have been a whole lot worse but for the wonderfully elastic and agile David de Gea in goal. The man made dozens of stunning saves, which made him one of the most coveted players in footy town. Of course, rivals from Europe came knocking and bids were put in. Which is why even though he was totally fit, de Gea found himself in the stands, even as his teammates took on Spurs. Oh aye, success is a two-edged sword, it is. We are still betting he will be off to Madrid in the coming days.

Runner up: Another goalkeeper. Arsenal’s reserve gloveman, David Ospina. He remained on the bench right through as Petr Cech made two mistakes to gift West Ham a shock win at the Emirates. Arsenal missed him all right.

Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation Award for the Surprise Package of the Weekend

Swansea held Chelsea at Stamford Bridge. West Ham beat Arsenal at the Emirates. And yet, if we had to pick a team that really – as in REALLY (because, come on, Blues and Gunner fans, Swansea and the Hammers are good side) – surprised us, it was newcomers Watford. Playing at Goodison Park against Everton, the newcomers to the EPL took the lead twice and even though Everton did recover to equalise both times, the newcomers’ refusal to get intimidated won them many fans.

Runner up: Nope, we are not giving this one either to the Hammers or Swansea. We would rather hand it to Leicester who surprised even themselves with the 4-2 thrashing they handed out to Sunderland, going on top of the league for a short while. Who says that it does not rain goals in the lower echelons of the league?

Ethan Hunt award for Player of the Weekend

There were quite a few good displays, but if we had to pick one player out, it would be City’s Yaya Toure. The tall midfielder, who had a very mixed 2014-15 season, seemed to be back to close to his best, passing and tackling brilliantly, and scored a couple of goals too for good measure against a West Bromwich side that simply failed to contain him.

When on song the imposing Yaya Toure, who scored twice on Monday, is one of the most dominant players in European football. (Source: Reuters)

Runner up: You play against Arsenal at the age of 16, get 95 per cent of your passes right and lose possession just once, while making a few vital interceptions? That’s what the amazing Reece Oxford did for West Ham. Welcome to the Premiership, lad!

The Benji award for Best “Assister” (and Passer)

This was won hands down by the amazing Dmitri Payet of West Ham, who ran rings around Arsenal at the Emirates, passing the ball around seemingly at will, and even left Oxlade Chamberlain lying on his back with one particular turn of pace. In the first half itself, the man had more than 90 per cent pass accuracy, an assist and a shot at goal. Now, how did Arsenal miss this Frenchman?

Runner up: Following Steven Gerrard as midfield general and captain can be quite a task, but Liverpool’s Jordan Henderson showed that he could fit those rather ample boots. He was easily the most hard working player on the pitch and also hit the most number of successful passes in the match.

The Impossible Mission Force award for Team of the Week

We would have to give it to the ones at the top. Manchster City faced a potentially tough match away to West Bromwich Albion, a side marshalled by the cunning Tony Pullis. What however, transpired was a brilliant 3-0 thrashing with signs that Vicent Kompany and YaYa Toure were coming back to their best. Well, yes, there was the little matter of Raheem Sterling still missing sitters, but some things will never change, will they?

Runner up: They narrowly avoided relegation last season and promptly went on top for a short while this season by hammering four goals past a stunned Sunderland. Leicester City!