Waiter, there’s a virus-cyrus in my soup!

Me:What is the chef’s special?

Waiter:Well, that depends on whether madam favours chicken or mutton?

Me:I think I will go with the chicken.

Waiter:Would Madam prefer continental or Mughlai?

ME:Er…Mughlai, I think.

Waiter:Karai Chicken, Butter Chicken, Chicken Saag, Chicken-do-Piyaza?

Me:Chicken-do-Piyaza sounds good.

Waiter:Would that be H5N1 or H9N2?

Me (startled out of my wits):Come again?

Waiter:Madam, I am referring to your avian influenza subtype preference.

Me (weakly):Oh. No, I think I will go for the lamb.

Waiter:(not a trace of impatience unsettled his features): Indian or Western?

Me:Western, please.

Waiter:Blanquette d’Agneau au Safran? Selle d’Agneau Pochee? Piccata de Veau Cavalieri?

Me:Piccata de Veau Cavalieri sounds great, but what is it?

Waiter (with great condescension):It’s a fillet of veal with cheese and green noodles.

Me:Great. Get me that.

Waiter:CJD or TW?

Me:Sorry? Didn’t get that.

Waiter:Would madam prefer Cretuzfeldt-Jakob Disease or a plain Tape Worm infestation?

Me (in great alarm):Eeek. Neither, thank you. Just get me the fish.

Waiter (getting a bit rattled):Brioche Navigateur — which is seafood and mushroom — or Fish Tandoori?

Me:Tandoori, give me the tandoori.

Waiter:Fish ciguatera or scombroid fish?

Me:Now, what is that in heaven’s name?

Waiter (as if he were a professor of botany):Well, you get the fish ciguatera when you consume subtropical marine finfish, which have accumulated naturally occurring toxins. This can cause serious cardiovascular disorder. The scombroid is plain histamine fish poisoning caused by bacterial spoilage.

Me:Oh? I think I will take a vegetable dish. Any vegetable dish.

Waiter (now barely able to conceal his irritation):Artichauts a la Provencale? Aubergines a la Areigeois? Mutter Paneer? Or Karai Sabzi?

Me (weakly):Anything, anything.

Waiter (firmly):Madam has to be sure. Would she prefer organochlorine poisoning, organophosphate poisoning or endosulphan poisoning? We offer 58 different vegetable contaminants, pesticides and infestations. Madam will have to be precise.

Me (thoroughly defeated):I think I will settle for water, thank you.

Waiter Would that be bottled water or tap water? With tap water you get e-coli and the possibility of some pesticide or the other, plus DDT. With bottled water you are sure to get Lindane, Malathion, Chlorpyrifos, plus DDT….

Now who was it who said food is what you eat until you lose your appetite?