In this silly season of soundbites and poll fights, I thought it fit to invite the BJP’s official motormouth, err.spokesman, to connect with readers. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Shri Venkaiah Naiduji (bring an umbrella along to protect you from the ensuing shine and spray).Good day, sisters and brothers, sodaris and annas. Namaskaram. Adaab. Sat Sri Akal. First and foremost, everybody is invited to join my party. To make it hale and hearty. Join the winners. The Opposition are losers. We have ability. They have the disability. We are full of go. They are full of ego. They have hocus and pocus. We have purpose and focus. They may have some minorities. We have good priorities. We have a Loh Purush on a rath and a Vikas Purush on a throne. All they have is a foreign madam from Rome. We have vision. They have illusion. We are fresh and lush. They are pale and stale. We are properly wired. They are plainly expired. We have Atal, Alliance and Agenda. They have just a fading lal jhanda. We have fantastic rule. They have dynastic rule. In other words, our road to power is as smooth as Hema Malini’s cheeks.Okay now let us get down to details of how you can join our party.• Become a national level cricketer. Work hard at your game and fame. Once you are bowled out of the team, become a TV commentator. Once the TV people switch you off, we will be waiting outside the pavilion. We promise to display you on primetime podiums and line you up to wish Advaniji a bon yatra every now and then. And, who knows, we could even make you the minister of sports in the next cabinet like we have already promised to do in the case of Kirti Azad, Mohinder Amarnath, Chetan Chauhan, Navjot Sidhu, K Srikkanth.• Alternatively, you can become a film star and woo the crowds for five decades. When you bomb at the box office, when you are tired and retired, you can always give me a call and I can promise you all. At least 15 minutes of primetime TV focus and the possible slot of minister of information and broadcasting in the next Cabinet. Remember, there is nothing like power to keep you fabulous and glamourous. Beats Botox or de-tox. Look at me, how fresh and lush I look. No Botox-votox, just notes and votes. By the way, between you and me, we offer special package rates for stars of saas-bahu serials in order to encourage good parivar values in voters.• Alternatively, if you are a Muslim, joining us is the easiest thing to do. First you should be a proper Mussalman. Then you should join any of the Opposition parties and attack the BJP. You must, in fact, come out on the streets and denounce Narendra Modi as Gujarat’s Hitler. Once everybody is sure that you are a genuine pseudo-secularist, you switch your allegiance to us in the interests of ‘‘promoting true dialogue’’ (people will say that this is a bit like the goat wanting to talk friendship to the tiger but ignore them). I promise we’ll do our bit and welcome you to the fold in style, give you an air ticket to places like Kanyakumari to see Advani off on his rath yatra and follow this up with a possible Lok Sabha ticket.• Alternatively, if you are a Congress man or woman, a future in our party is bright. First, you should be a proper Congresswallah and talk at length about the secular legacy of this country, how committed you are to it and how communal the BJP is. Then one day, you should slip into our office to discuss water harvesting plans and the release of books written by honourable ancestors. We will take it from there (wink, wink).• Okay, wokay. Don’t be disheartened. Even if you are not a film star, a cricketer, a Muslim, or a Congresswallah, you can still join us. All you have to do is to get up in the morning, open the window and proclaim your opposition to Sonia Gandhi’s foreign origins. Tell it to the birds and bees, to the flowers and the trees, to the crowds on the streets. Do this for at least 50 weeks and then visit us for a cup of tea and a plate of ladoos at 11, Ashoka Road, New Delhi.Even if you do not belong to any of these categories you can still join us. There’s a silly SMS message going around that says: ‘‘Sign Outside BJP Office: Trespassers Will be Inducted.’’ That is blatantly false, baseless, untrue. Don’t be discouraged by it, You don’t even have to enter our gates. Just walk down Ashoka Road and we will grab you and project you on TV and how! That’s my vow. My word is my God.
