The white powder recovered from 7, Safdarjung Road—the saintly abode of the Mahajans—is a bit like truth itself: should be taken in moderate doses or you could OD on it. In fact there are so many versions of the truth concerning that packet of white powder, that I thought I should list some important variations: THE HOSPITAL: Since the white powder was crucial to this case, we sent it for testing to our world-class laboratory. Our medical personnel are a bit confused over the results. One lot believes that it is a substance called sodium chloride spiked with iodine, which is known to be extremely injurious to health if taken in large proportions. The other lot argues that it is actually talcum power laced with the essence of lavender. After due assessment of Mr Mahajan’s clinical status and investigations, we then came to the conclusion that given the fact that Mr Mahajan’s vital parameters soon started functioning normally, all that the patient seemed to have done was to indulge in the harmless pursuit of powdering his nose in the privacy of his Jacuzzi. THE HOSPITAL (after its conclusions were found to be controversial): The preliminary tests announced yesterday were found to be inadequate. Therefore the hospital—in the best traditions of its commitment to medical truth, the hole truth and nothing but the holely truthful—conducted quantitative analysis and discovered that there were indeed traces (although of atomic proportions) of cocaine, and a cocktail of restricted drugs. But these are sometimes known to exist in their natural state in the human body and can, therefore, be discounted. SAHIL (in a television studio, which is today’s equivalent of a house of worship—sacred space where only the truth gets articulated, which also accounts for the fact that all the fat-cat lawyers chasing this case are parked inside them): Well, it’s like this. I went somewhere and talked to someone, because Bibek Maitra told me to go somewhere and talk to someone. I came back with packets of something, given by someone. Then when they started snorting some powder that looked white, I thought it seemed a fun thing to do and I snorted some too. After that I went blank and boarded the flight to Srinagar. SAHIL’S LAWYER: My client had to go to Srinagar on an urgent, pending family matter. My client’s only crime was that he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. SAHIL’S SECOND LAWYER: Please discount what Sahil or his lawyer told you. I am the only one authorised to speak the truth in this case and I state here that my client had nothing to do with that packet of white powder. BJP SOURCES CLOSE TO THE MAHAJANS: This unnecessary media speculation about whether Rahul did take drugs, just because a packet of what he thought was prasad was given to him, is very disturbing, especially since the boy is known to be a sensitive lad. In fact, we believe this is a conspiracy to poison the Mahajan family and embarrass the Sangh Parivar whose members’ chehra, chaal and charitra have been irreproachable. We cannot help but notice the Kashmiri connection in these dark goings-on. It is our firm belief that jehadi forces have infiltrated the Mahajan household. There may be even an international connection to it, if you consider the Nigerian angle. Nigerians, after all, supplied the white powder and Nigeria has a big Muslim population. We also suspect that this is a conspiracy hatched by 10 Janpath to defame 7 Safdarjung, with a view to eliminating any present or future threat to one Rahul by another Rahul. BJP SOURCES CLOSE TO THE MAHAJANS (after it was found that there were traces of cocaine in Rahul’s system): The discovery of cocaine in Mahajan’s urine has confirmed our worst fears. The assassins first gave the lad sparkling wine. He was so unused to alcohol he collapsed after drinking it. Then they made him snort narcotics laced with poison with the help of 500-rupee notes. This method of poisoning is well documented in toxicology tomes. We shall not rest until we get to the bottom of this conspiracy designed to damage the BJP’s chehra, chaal and charitra.
