Three fool-proof ways of cooking ghoos

Khuda ki kasam, last Express expose was a truly cruel one. It struck at the very heart of political practice as we know it. Khuda ki kasam, it has perpetrated enormous damage on the hitherto free spirit of give-and-take between the Bribe Giver (BG) and the Bribe Taker (BT). It has poured cold water on the spirit of political enterprise and wealth-creation that under-the-table transactions have traditionally embodied, Khuda ki kasam. It has destroyed the bonds of honour and trust among consenting crooks. Truly, Khuda ki kasam, it is to repair some of this enormous damage that I have evolved three fool-proof ways to ensure that all practitioners of this ancient art may, with a pure heart, a clean conscience and a well-twirled moustache, carry on being bribed.

For real privacy, always climb a tree: Hotel rooms are notorious for security leaks. If the transaction is to take place in a certain five-star pad, please ensure that it has been properly checked out by the Pentagon for bugs, hidden microphones, hidden cameras and and other hanky-panky. Enter its precincts only if you are confident that it has been thoroughly sanitised. If you cannot achieve this, urge your BG to take a short walk with you. While on that stroll, casually stop besides a suitable tree, and suggest that the transaction be conducted on one of its branches. If the BG is honest, he/she will shimmy up that tree with you in an instant. If the BG hesitates, even for an instant, take your cue, drop the project and flee for your honour and life.

Always dress it, don’t mess it: Remember the clothes you wear can make or mar you. On assignments like this, it is best to go in fancy dress. Go as Gandhiji or Napoleon, Elvis Presley or Daler Mehendi (on second thoughts, don’t go as Daler Mehendi, they may just frogmarch you off to jail, no questions asked). If you wish to go as yourself, take a large towel along and wrap it around your head during that crucial moment when the BG hands you all that glorious, glorious moolah. If you find towels a suffocating fashion accessory — and many do — just wear something that has several large pockets. If, god forbid, you get caught later, you can always claim that you didn’t know what was going on in your pockets.

Remember, foolish words come back like swords: During these extremely sensitive engagements keep conversation to the the barest minimum. Every careless word could return to haunt you forever. Therefore, where you need to utter ten words, utter three. Where you need to utter three words, stick to one. Where you have to utter one word, just opt for a shrug or a frown or a smirk. This way, you can at least ensure that you don’t go down in history as a motormouth with hands to match.

Just look where that spirited and spiritual piece of dialogue — Paise khuda to nahin par khuda ki kasam, khuda se kam bhi nahin — took Dilip Singh Judeo. It well and truly cooked his ghoos for him.