The Bush Dynasty and the Roach Rebellion

My name is http://dofaz.indiv, and I’m from the 24th century. I work for TimeTraveller Magazine, and came here to write on the 21st century for a special issue. I was supposed to do a couple of stories—one examining the rise of Hindarin, the Hindi-Mandarin hybrid language that originated in the outsourcing centres of Asia and replaced English as the global language of choice in the 22nd century, and another, an interview with the founder of the Bachchan movie dynasty, the family empire that controls two-thirds of the global film industry 300 years from now.

Other major articles in the magazine were an examination of the beginnings of Gutspeak Unclassical music period with the early works of St Eminem, an observer’s reports on the outbreak of a few wars and diseases that wiped out one-third of the world’s population (I don’t have the exact details, I left my data-processor brain in my time machine) and an interesting article on religion, which, we’d heard, used to be very popular in your time.

What do I say about 2305? It’s difficult to describe 300 years of human evolution in this space, so I’ll just answer some of the bigger questions. No, the world doesn’t get taken over by machines and then rescued by a bunch of people in frayed sweaters. Machines never plan world domination, because unlike humans, machines aren’t silly. Yes, big corporations rule most things and the rich stay all-powerful—there was a plan proposed by an Indian Nobel-winning economist in 2150 to replace money, but the project faded away owing to insufficient funding.

No, time travel doesn’t mean that you might be accosted by large naked Austrian bodybuilders from the future. Yes, there are terrible natural disasters caused by human misuse of the environment and billions die, and billions more are born to replace them. Yes, the moon landing was a hoax—the moon was first reached in 923 AD by a Viking explorer named Hrothgar the Magenta, but TV hadn’t been invented yet. And yes, research has shown that Subhash Chandra Bose and Elvis are both now dead.

The most dramatic difference between life in the 21st and 24th centuries is probably the confirmation of the existence of extraterrestrial life—we stopped calling it ET intelligence in as early as the 22nd century, when we discovered they were as stupid as us. That aliens have been present on earth for a while is, of course, well-known and well-documented, but they first officially announced their presence in the 26th year of the reign of Emperor George II of the Bush dynasty.

Billions watched worldwide on 4th July, 2026, as the Emperor’s head exploded in the middle of his annual Empire Day speech, revealing a small five-limbed figure, laughing hysterically and rolling from side to side. The Imperial Guards tried to catch the creature, but it flew away on a small air-pod, making obscene gestures at the hundreds of assembled cameras.

I’m pleased to report that, by and large, the aliens have been friendly, even disinterested. The only serious threat occurred in 2198, when a large Gammathron Occupation spacecraft landed in London, revealing great fanged creatures armed to their thousands of teeth. The threat dispersed, however, when they ate British food at a roadside stall, made expressions of disgust and left.

Overall, in 2305 people are still confused and unhappy, still mostly overworked and underpaid, still believe in love and virtue and astrology, are still listening to the Beatles and bhangra, and still have all the bad habits they’ve had since they first swung down from the trees.

Nation-states are obsolete, of course, but men have found new and innovative ways to kill one another cheaply and efficiently, with stunning visual effects. It will be bad news to many that men haven’t been replaced by sperm banks, but wood-paper and fossil fuels are finished, and cockroaches, supposedly the world’s most hardy species, are now extinct—they rose in united rebellion world-wide in 2246, allegedly funded by the Americans, but their efforts were eventually squashed.

As you read this, in 2005, remember, there’s no major cause for concern in the next 100 years, unless you’re in the path of the many wars, natural calamities and epidemics that will sweep through the world soon. So have excellent lives, and an excellent century. And the next time you do one of those things you do to entertain yourselves—a party, an election, a war, a cricket match—if you see a seven-ft tall neon-green egg, please get in touch.