The battle of the pages

‘‘The people who read Page Three first are morons who know nothing about what is happening, and neither do they care that it is insensitive to make a film about such uncaring people,’’ claimed Page One.

‘‘Why are you jealous,’’ screamed Page Three, covered in dirty tar. ‘‘You chaps think you may have all the attention but we are the movers and the shakers, the people who matter, not your Laloos of the world.’’

‘‘And what about Sania Mirza,’’ pointed out Page Ten, usually devoted to sports, as most of it lay tattered. ‘‘The bylines on our pages are legendary. Some of the greatest cricketing giants right in our page.’’

‘‘But ultimately once she is past her prime she will be with us,’’ claimed Page Three.

‘‘Wait a minute, your only spokesman is advertising socialite Suhel Seth, a self-proclaimed Page Three type, who prefers to write in the Edit Page,’’ disclosed the Edit Page, wearing a crumpled dirty look. ‘‘We give space to the trivial and the ridiculous, like our last edit, but Page Three is a lot of hot air.’’

‘‘The world is a very dangerous place,’’ observed Page One. ‘‘There is a threat of a Indo-Pak nuclear war. India and China are going to be the nations to watch in the next decade. It’s time we looked at history’s march towards progress. Left to me, I would recommend doing away with Page Three altogether.’’

‘‘Stop,’’ said the Op-Ed page. ‘‘As it is, newspapers wear a confused look. Page Three stories are making the front page, Edit Page analysis is peddled as Page One news, major sporting events are on front page. Squabbling like this will make it worse.’’

‘‘Why can’t this Bhandarkar chap make a sequel to Page Three called Page One?’’ asked Page One.

‘‘Brilliant idea,’’ said the Sports Page. Other pages agreed.

‘‘One of the pages could actually win the Oscar,’’ commented the Edit Page. ‘‘It’s time we pages are taken seriously.’’

‘‘Did you hear the word Oscar?’’ mumbled the raddiwala. ‘‘Public memory is proverbially short and it is no surprise that prominent politicians who figure in these pages have to finally bite the dust. The careers of glorified editors wind up in smoke. And when today’s news becomes stale by afternoon, what can be the fate of this dirty newspaper?’’

‘‘No, please sell us as recycled newsprint,’’ screamed the pages in unison.

‘‘I won’t get anything for it,’’ he declared, throwing the newspaper back into the pile of garbage.