Cut, to Siri FortLast week, Karishma Kapoor inaugurated the 31st International Film Festival of India, ably assisted by Arun Jaitley, minister of state for Information and Broadcasting, and Delhi settled down to some serious cinema. Make that s-e-r-i-o-u-s c-i-n-e-m-a. Suddenly Siri Fort, the festival venue, becomes a beehive of disembodied woollen-clad beings buzzing from auditorium to auditorium in frenzied synchronisation.The ones from the south and the east can be spotted a kilometre away because apart from the thermal wear, two sweaters, scarf, shawl and two sets to socks considered essential to immure oneself against Delhi's seemingly sub-zero temperatures, they usually throw in a monkey cap or two as part of the evening's ensemble.Having been to quite of a few film festivals here, I believe that the people who throng such venues can be divided into four basic categories.First, is the gobbledygook gladiator, who has got ahead in life and cornered all the festival passes over the years just by virtue of dropping the word ``Tarkovsky'' several times in a given conversation. On occasions, when this individual really wants to impress his audience, he/she could even utilise the services of Chabrol, Truffaut, Rossellini, Antonioni,and Bresson to drive home a point. It could be a simple conversation about the weather, for instance.You and I may quietly observe, ``Ah, the sun is finally emerging from the clouds.'' The Tarkovsky junkie would put it like this, ``Ah, what a scene this is, it reminds me of what Truffaut had to say about the soleil being the director's best friend, but if Rossellini were to shoot this glorious sight, he would have panned the horizon first and then slowly dissolved on to the image of the sun. Of course, Tarkovsky's surreal representations did the most justice to the cinematic representation of the sun emerging from the clouds.''Then there is the sprinkling of stars-in-mufti. You can make them out because of their indubitable star quality, which really means that while the rest of us may be content to remain anonymous behind our monkey caps, this lot is looking to be seen. Star quality is all about how obsessed you are with yourself.Robert Morley once observed, ``It is a great help for a man to be in love with himself but for an actor, it is absolutely essential.'' I couldn't agree more. If the FFF, or the frantic film fan, rushes towards you in a film festival, make sure to step aside because it's your ribcage that is at distinct risk.This is a specimen on a mission a mission to watch every one of the 100-odd films on view, even if this means watching 15 minutes of Kimberly Peirce, five minutes of Jabbar Patel, and the mandatory five seconds of Roberto Rossellini on a given morning. For the rest of us at Siri Fort, the FFF is sheer terror.He/she can be trusted to gatecrash into an auditorium just at the most crucial moment of the film, just when Peirce, for instance, is having her heroine beaten to a pulp, the FFF is fumbling for support in the dark and has just fortunately for him and unfortunately for you found the necessary anchorage by holding on to your hair.By the time he/she has stamped all over your toes, sat on your face, yanked a fistful of hair from out of your scalp and disappeared into the darkness, Peirce's heroine is lying motionless on the couch and you're clueless about how she got there.The last category is the hot, hot, hot lot. In terms of pedigree, they are the country cousins of the frantic film fan. They systematically and single-mindedly scour the premises for the exposed nipple, or a derriere in the raw. Over the years, they have come to the unassailable conclusion that film festivals are not about the artistic, but the orgasmic. But don't knock them out of hand. Being a film buff out to catch an actress in the buff requires commitment, dedication and patience.It may mean sitting through 2 hours and 12 minutes of a film showing a close shot of an actress looking out of a window, just for those five seconds when she turns round and wiggles out of her underwear.Truly is it said that the cinema speaks a universal language.
