Played On

UNLIKE my venerated namesake, just the thought of a pro-pace red cherry swinging in at me makes my testicles want to retract.And here I am, ...

UNLIKE my venerated namesake, just the thought of a pro-pace red cherry swinging in at me makes my testicles want to retract.

And here I am, padded and gloved, shuffling like a circus grizzly towards the stumps at the Acres Lifestyle Club in Chembur, Mumbai. As opening bat for the Incompetent XI, I8217;m going to take on an aggressive seven-footer who8217;s bowled to the likes of Famous Sachin: The Rs 2 lakh, imported Jugs bowling machine, set up for the new crowdpuller at the club8212;Power Cricket.

Lillee, Akram, Marshall8212;none of these iconic pacemen could do what Jugs can: Bowl six balls an over, every over, with spot-on accuracy, identical speed, line and length, through the day. No drinks breaks, no picking at the seam with bottle caps, no swearing at the umpire.

Jugs is a simple enough device. On a platform about the height of a raised arm, cricket tennis balls or season balls if you8217;re deemed fit are fed into a tube and through a pair of contra-rotating wheels which expel them forward. Ball-socket mounting lets you adjust angle and point of delivery, while left/right wheel rotation speed is controlled by dials: 80-80, for instance, generates an 80mph scorcher straight at midstump; 40-80, and a curving outswinger airkisses the offstump.

Short-pitched, full-length, yorker, beamer8230; Jugs is ready, willing and able. Manning the device is a serious video game kick: It8217;s like those WWII anti-aircraft guns; all it needs is crosshair sights. At the receiving end, though, it8217;s like dodging tracers.

Right now, it8217;s just Jugs and me. I square up in front of the metal stumps, sprung to pop back in place, while 22 yards away, operator Nitin hoists a bucket of yellow balls.

8216;8216;Forty-five,8217;8217; he calls the speed, holding up a ball before feeding it in. Pop, out comes a slow-medium delivery. I pat it to the offside nets. Pop, pop, pop. My unstylish strokes fend the ball about; on the field I8217;d maybe snatch a single or two. 8216;8216;Right, up the pace,8217;8217; I tell him after a couple of overs, now feeling like the Little Master.

Story continues below this ad

Fifty five mph, and the ball arrows in briskly. Compared to a human bowler, it8217;s more difficult to judge when exactly the ball is going to be released. Still, I connect a few times, though twice snicking sitters to a non-existent slip.

8216;8216;65, no, 70,8217;8217; I call, making a few practice strokes in the air. Through the helmet I think I spy a here-it-comes grin on Nitin8217;s face. Pow! The ball is on me before I know it and zipping past. It occurs to me that I8217;m beyond my depth as I ineffectually chop at the yellow dart. The one time I manage to get the blade of the bat in the ball8217;s path, I punt it straight back to where Jugs would have been if he8217;d had a follow-through.

Eighty mph, and I know I won8217;t even make 12th man. The lemony flash beats me all ends up and crashes into the stumps. Blam, blam, unerringly through my flailing, knock-kneed defence. Hat-trick to Jugs, redness to my cheeks.

I wipe some sweat off my brow. 8216;8216;Okay, a hundred,8217;8217; I tell Nitin, feeling like Custer.

Story continues below this ad

8216;8216;100,8217;8217; he confirms, and drops the ball in. It8217;s Sachin vs Shoaib, the stands are hushed.

Ka-boom! A fluorescent streak whips by and thuds against the wall behind me. I cannot believe how fast that was8212;one second, a spot of colour at Jug8217;s mouth, and pretty much the same second, gone. There8217;s no time to react, let alone react right. How does Akhtar bowl this fast? How does Tendulkar hit fours off him?

Twice more I twitch as the ball cannons past, then hold out a palm in surrender. Sachin 8216;Master of Little8217; Rao8217;s ego has retired hurt.