Out of THE BOX

2 Now that Gul Panag has taught Aamir Khan and the rest of us how to do it, the next best thing to switching off the TV is watching what we want, when we want. Or more precisely, while you watch cricket, you can record the English Premier League and watch it later. DTH services like Tata Sky, offer you this simply amazing techno-wonder so that you can watch what you want when you want. But we’ve already said that.

3 Or watch the computer, which doesn’t sound half as bad to anti-TV parents. As every self-respecting kid-with-computer knows, you can download everything from the latest episodes of Desperate Housewives to movies and music videos, from Sarah Palin to Shoe-man Bush via Youtube. The only thing you may not be able to download is Doordarshan but then would you want to?

4 Right now, on the box. Look forward to much, much more of Cyrus Broacha. Yes, he’s gained kilos but as the charismatic host of The Week That Wasn’t (CNN-IBN), the delightful spoof on news, he’s worth his pound of flesh. What makes the show unstoppable-watchable is that the ‘news’ looks increasingly like the news that ‘wasn’t’ on his show.

5 Look forward to no more Breaking News or Exclusives. They’re next on the list of things either the I&B or the News Broadcasters Association will ban. In the national interest of course. After Mumbai 26/11, TV news may never be the same again (you wish!). According to NBA’s self-regulatory guidelines issued after a perfect storm broke over the Mumbai coverage, you will never see anything live again either. So if you see more dead bodies, you’ll know why. On Hindi news channels, look forward to more entertainment and anything but the news.

6 Look forward to next year’s general elections without opinion polls before the polls, revised opinions and polls during the campaign, exit polls of different voting phases, exit polls combined with opinion polls before the next phase, polls after all phases—because the government has banned them! Only problem is: what will we watch, then?

7 The Big Breaking News (while it’s not banned): no more K-serials. Or, no more saas-bahu sagas beginning with the letter K, although there are a few leftovers like Kis Desh Mein Hai Mera Dil but otherwise they’ve made way for other letters of the alphabet like T: Tujh Sang Preet Lagai Sajna.

8 Instead, enjoy the company of more little, little children in fancy dress costumes named Sukhi, Khushi, Premi etc., who will join Anandi, Iccha, Tapasya as the new stars of TV soaps. Baalika Vadhu (Colors) swept out the 200-year old Ba and any other character above the age of 12. Now, if you want to cry while watching the TV melodrama, you’ll have to reach for a nappie.

9 Shah Rukh Khan, Salman Khan, Akshay Kumar, Shilp Shetty, Farhan Khan—expect other stars to fall from the Bollywood firmament and land directly onto TV. Perhaps, Aamir can host a body-building series and invite as his first guests SRK and Salman.

10 There’s lots to watch on the cricket pitch but not Dhoni &Co. For the first few months of the new year since India is taking a well-earned conflict resolution break from the game. We seem more interested in warm games these days. As for reality shows, everyone else has danced and sung, so it must be the turn of the judges to be contestants. How about Hema Malini versus Sharmila Tagore, Saroj Khan versus Farah Khan, Himesh Reshammiya up against Anu Malik?