Achcha, now that Reader’s Digest, home to the Gentle Reader, has voted Mumbai to be the The Rudest City In The World, everybody is getting all het up. But I think we should be proud. Finally we have won something. Against all odds. In fact I have only three observations. One, I believe from inside sources that actually there was a conspiracy. To make sure that an Indian city would not win this great honour. That is why they decided to survey only Mumbai. You only tell, why they did not go to Delhi? Or anywhere in sunny UP and Bihar? Why?! But does not matter. Even if you handicap us, make us do three-legged race with one hand tied, still we will win. And truth shall prevail. Observation two. Survey ka methodology was seriously flawed. Like all these silly wussy tests they devised instead of just standing and holistically observing. What is all this folder-sholder, opening-shutting doors ka nonsense? You want to test real rudeness then just stand for one hour on local train platform and watch, nah! Biddu, then you will see asli dhakka-dhukki! Observation three. And most important one. Now that we have been voted to be the rudest, we can actually be free and live up to our reputation. Finally, we can throw off centuries of oppressive colonial Raj. Finally, I can stop pretending to be a tight assed Englander. And be really, really rude! In fact I am going to start with rude celebrations of our victory itself. First I am going to burst seventeen full ladhis of rude Made In India phatakas at 2:14 am. Then I am going to pull out my rudehaathgaadi-walla-Casiotone-with-laud-ispeaker-combinasun. Then call my rude neighbourhood band-baaja friends to play “Come September” in June while I sing with my mouth full of laddoos. Arre, just watch! No more bloody thank you sorry pliz-wiz! We will show you fullto! In fact, I am going to lobby that next year when they do Reader’s Digest Survey they should appoint me official guide. Kassam se, we will show them a good time. We will show them how to spit and blow nose on wall, staircase and anywhere (except that judges are not allowed to cheat by putting pictures of God on abovementioned “anywhere”). We will show them horn baaja and ma-behen ka discussion in Saki Naka traffic jam.And finally we will show them how we are defecating (to use polite Westerner term) in road divider.In fact we shall teach them also.Only thing is because they are polite Westerners we will exempt them from washing.And allow them to wipe. With eco-friendly, recycled pages of Reader’s Digest’s Drama In Real Life section. The writer is a Mumbai-based ad-film maker.
