‘I’ve Shed the Baggage’

You mean career choices?
That’s right. It’s a liberating feeling to know you are responsible for your choices. Today, I want to work as long as I can. I feel hesitant to say ‘no’ to friends, to turn down youngsters. Their enthusiasm is infectious and I want to, if possible, be a part of their dreams.

Do you ever wonder what comes after acting?
I’ve always said that I’d like to learn languages, I’d like to play some instrument. I am also inclined towards gardening or maybe, just looking after the house.

Do you agree you’ve become less guarded now?
Yeah, a lot of baggage has been shed. Much as we fight shy to admit it, economic security instills a lot of strength. I’ve become less guarded because I’m less defensive. My self-assurance also comes from the fact that today, I’m old enough to be forgiven if I make a mistake.

Every day, new titles are conferred on you. How does that make you feel?
Grateful. It is all very overwhelming. I accept people’s appreciation for my work with humility but there is also a sense of shock. I’m not sure if I’m deserving of so much adulation.

Do you ever fear it will all go away?
I do, in fact all the time. And I know it will go away. That’s the law of nature.

How different is the current success from when you first tasted it in 1975?
The pressures are fewer now. Then, with each new release, I was expected to perform better and the expectations were rising, both from the audience as well as the box-office. Today, the responsibility of a film faring well is not on me, so I’m more relaxed. Now it’s a more comfortable phase.

You’re also enjoying yourself more.
Most certainly, for this is a time when you have finished paying dividends as a professional. Unfortunately, a major part of an individual’s life is expended in aspiring for success. Just out of college, you are frustrated because you are not sure if you have chosen the right career. Then, you are not sure if you are courting the right chances and after all the struggle, you are not sure if you will succeed. That’s not all. When you finally find success, you are not sure how long it will last. The process is invigorating. But once the frenzy has subsided, there is peace. I’m relishing that tranquil phase now.

What are your anxieties as an actor?
I’m always nervous when I’m beginning work with a new director because it means I’m going to be tested again. It’s bad enough to be able to deliver a convincing performance, but it’s worse when you have to stand up and emote in front of a stranger. There is a possibility that he feels as anxious as I do but we are not sharing notes, so the discomfort persists till we reach a creative understanding of each other’s comfort zone.

Rajkumar Santoshi says you were more than an actor in Khakee. You’ve contributed to the structuring of a scene.
It would be dishonest not to articulate something I feel strongly about, emotionally or intellectually, in the process of shooting. Still, that does not give me the credit of structuring a scene.

What about the occasions when you have afterthoughts as an actor?
That happens too and I have always expressed them to my directors the following day. During Khakee, Santoshi was very forthcoming about the suggestions made. There were times he disagreed as well, but I respected that.

What about times when you wanted to suggest an alternative and held back?
Yes, there were such moments and I’ve regretted them. I’ve held back because I did not want to be misunderstood or because I was lazy. But during such times the creative person inside me has always rebelled. Today, I feel if there is an irritant I must express it rather than leave it for posterity. I’m at a phase in life where I don’t want to let wounds fester. I want to call a spade a spade.

You sound like your Baghban character.
For whatever reason, the character struck an emotional chord with the audience. The younger generation is unsure of what to do with the older generation. Unlike in the West, where parents are put in old age homes, we tend to safeguard them, sometimes to an extent of disabling them.

When you get old which of the two lives would you prefer?
I may not get there because don’t forget I’m having chyavanprash… ha, ha, ha…