At the RSS’s headquarters in Nagpur, everybody was now getting ready for the PT session. They had washed their faces, chewed on their neem datun, bathed with channa ka atta, got into the mandatory khaki shorts and white shirts, done their surya namaskars and yogasanas, sung their patriotic songs — for good bodily health and well-being — and were now staking out their stated positions on the lines chalked out on the huge maidan outside. Each one carried a lathi, the mandatory prop for such occasions.Today’s session was special. The entire contingent of BJP leaders had been bussed in and were now being trained for the task of nation building, through the rhythmic stretching of limbs. Just this once, the iron law of gender segregation was waived. Both men and women members of the BJP were allowed to take part together in this drill, with the view to building party unity. The idea was to bust the flab caused by over-indulging in the desi ghee department during the six years of governance. The idea was to get the BJP into a disciplined fighting force to take over power, even while remaining faithful to Bharat Mata and the Bhagwa Dhwaj (saffron flag). The idea was to put an end to the sorry chapter of party indiscipline and exorcise all the Djinn-ahs that may still lurk in the dark night of ideological deviation.At the microphone on a raised platform, a sanghchalak was at the ready — lathi in hand, whistle in mouth — to conduct the proceedings. The multitude before him was to follow his every movement in careful synchronisation. No ideological deviation of any kind would be tolerated.Sanghchalakji (clearing throat and blowing the whistle): Swayamsewaks, let us begin. Hold your danda in your right hand. Stretch out your right hand forward. Lift it over your head. One, two. Ek, do, ek, do. We will carry on with this exercise for two minutes. Ek, do. Ek, do. Ek do. Fill your mind with lofty thoughts as you follow me. Ek, do, ek, do.(He blew his whistle with every movement and its sounds, amplified by the microphone, filled the environs with a sweet shrillness. After precisely two minutes, he began again.)Sanghchalakji (beaming at his audience): Very good, bahut achcha. Now transfer danda to left hand. Stretch your left hand forward. Lift it over your head. Ek, do, ek, do, ek, do. Expel all wrong thoughts from your mind so that it is as pure as Mata Ganga. Ek, do, ek, do.(At this point, one swayamsewak seemed to dis-entangle himself from the crowd and walk towards the podium. Sanghchalakji peered at the deviant. ‘‘Arrey, it is Vajpayeeji,’’ he thought to himself. ‘‘Maybe his arthritis is acting up.’’ He blew his whistle to signify temporary suspension of activity and helped Vajpayee to a small seat beside him.)Sanghchalakji (blowing his whistle to signify resumption): Now for a more complicated exercise. Keep your feet two feet apart, hold danda in both your hands. And attempt to touch the ground. It may be difficult at first, but in order to make your spines supple, this exercise is extremely useful. You will find it gets easier with practice. One, two, ek, do. Very good Sushmaji, you are doing excellent job. One, two, ek, do. (He noticed that Umaji did not appreciate the compliment he had thrown at Sushmaji, so he did some damage control). Arrey, Umaji, you are doing it even better than I, myself. Congratulations!(Uma Bharati, even as she glared at Sushma Swaraj, was quite elated at being praised. She beamed at Sanghchalakji, who quickly looked at his toes so that no wrong thoughts could be associated with that exchange.)Sanghchalakji: Now everybody hold your lathi in both hands, go down on your knees and bring your foreheads to the ground. This exercise is designed to stamp out all ego and turn us into loyal servants of the Sangh.(This was a particularly difficult manoeuvre and many of BJP’s best men and women fell flat on their faces in their attempts to keep up. But they gamely carried on without complaint.) Sanghchalakji: Now the next exercise I am going to demonstrate is meant only for Advaniji. The rest of you can lay your lathis by your side, and sit at your marked positions. Advaniji, you have to do an exercise that may be a little complicated. Watch me carefully. (He then bent his back over and executed what appeared to be a quick somersault). This exercise, Advaniji, will get rid you of all false knowledge and help you regain your old equilibrium.Did Advaniji successfully execute Sanghchalakji’s exercise? Watch this space. All that can be said at this juncture is that India’s primary party of opposition has now been properly schooled into submitting to Nagpur’s supreme command.
