Congress: in the throes of a Rahulution

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a large and powerful political party must be in want of a sycophan...

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a large and powerful political party must be in want of a sycophant. It is therefore only to be expected that now that Rahul Gandhi has been firmly established in the political stratosphere, the mating season has descended on the members of the country’s oldest political party. Actually, come to think of it, the Congress is more of an acrobatic arrangement than a political party, with every member arranged in various stages of genuflection to 10, Janpath — like a Gokulashtami pyramid.

In fact, the Congress is in the throes of a revolution. Wrong word. The Congress is in the throes of a Rahulution. Its battle-cry right now is: ‘‘Congress workers unite in salutation, you have nothing to lose but your discretion….and a world of goodies to gain’’. Every Congress man, woman and child is serenading the heir apparent, caterwauling from the rooftops with the passion of amorous felines about how Rahul is the party’s gift to the nation, world, solar system, the cosmos… and the party’s gift to the party. About how he combines the wit of Shaw with the wisdom of Einstein; about how he walks with the grace of a gazelle, drives cars with the exuberance of a Schumacher, and exhibits the inventive powers of Bill Gates; about how he has got his father’s easy charm and his mother’s great grace; about how his clothes can put the craftsmen of Savile Row to shame and how his dimples can give Preity Zinta’s a run for their money.

In fact, the entire party can be divided into three broad categories: The Rahul Promoters, The Rahul Panegyrists and The Rahul Pretenders. Of the three, those who comprise the first category — the Rahul Promoters — are possibly the most rational. At least they have to come up with an explanation as to why they believe that the Indian Republic will have no future without the good offices of Amethi’s lal, and do so with some traces of credibility. So they throw in undigested bits of political science at you, about how in a disparate party like the Congress, you need a unifying force; about how the Family is the super-glue that holds politically ambitious constituents together; about how the people of the country are sold on the idea of the Family; about how a Rahul Gandhi would bring in a whiff of youthful energy into ossified political structures, and so on and so forth. What they won’t tell you, of course, is about how, for the Congress, ideology has become ideology. But we’ll let that pass.

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The second lot, the Rahul Panegyrists, are the most interesting. They are the ones who order 40-kilo cakes for Rahul’s birthday (which, alas, comes only once a year), put up banners thanking the Congress president for Gifting the Nation with a Genius (these banners incidentally spring up just outside 10 Janpath, so that it catches the right eyes), insert newspaper advertisements hailing the Rising Sun of the Nation. They hold blood donation camps, marathon runs, mushaira sessions, all for the Greater Cause of the Greatest Cause. And yes, they name their sons after Rahul, their daughters after Sonia and Priyanka, just as their parents had invariably named their offspring after Indira, Rajiv and Sanjay. This, after all, is all about expanding the family gene pool.

The third category, the Rahul Pretenders, are possibly the most loyal because they work assiduously at negating their own personalities in a bid to become Rahul clones. So if he happens to be talking into a Nokia, they will too, sooner or later. If he works out for 30 minutes and 15 seconds in a gym, they will too. If he happens to wear a FabIndia kurta, you can be sure that they will stock up a whole wardrobe with FabIndia kurtas, and when he switches to a light beige suit for a trip abroad, tailors all over the country will immediately be inundated with requests to craft just such an ensemble.

This relationship between the Party and the Beta is only going to get more ardent as time wears on. In the meanwhile, for more heir-raising episodes of this saga, watch this space.

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