Bringing up the right kids — the wrong way!

Coincidentally, I had graduated from a college situated in the same town she was heading for. Further, we found out that we were alumni of the same college, she being my junior. Now I understood why her name had seemed so familiar. But the girl that I met in the bus was in stark contrast to the junior that I knew. In her college days, she was the quiet, reserved types who never used to mix up with others. She never participated in any function, never attended parties, never bunked classes to see movies, never went for excursions. I observed that now she had become more confident, more outgoing, had an urbane demeanour, smoked, boozed, had night outs etc. How come the typical subdued Indian girl was transformed into a the ultra-mod, `I don’t give a damn’ girl? Her parents never allowed her to participate in any of the activities, parties, functions, trips, tours and her independent movement was discouraged. I contemplated that the change in environment had brought striking changes in the facets of herpersonality. Some of which were even undesirable. She had transformed herself into an arrogant, flaunting, loud girl.

It is often seen, especially in small towns, that the children are not provided with all the avenues for the development of their personality. The parents unwittingly and unknowingly, suppress the feelings of the children by putting great restrictions on them. These restrictions have such a negative impact on the psyche of the child that he begins to long for the forbidden fruits. Whenever the child gets an opportunity, he readily breaks free. The parents may be right in their own perception of the good and bad, but what they don’t realise is that the values, morals and ethics are dependent on changing times and environment. The parents have to move with the times, to balance the curbs with more freedom to their kids than they may have enjoyed at the same age. The need of the hour is a better understanding of the psyche of the child by the parents. This has become even more important with the advent of western culture in our living rooms via the idiot box. For this to happen, better interaction between theparents and children is required. The parents should bridge the generation gap and provide such a value system to their children which should enable them to be their own judge. Right education and a helping hand by the parents will go a long way in the development of mature individuals who will be less prone to external sways and influences.
(The writer is MBA (Finance) and is also a student of Law at the Panjab University)veenu sandhuWHAT’S an eight-letter word that spells challenge and grey hair? Ask a parent, and he/she will promptly spell out “children”! This will almost always be followed by a typical shake of the head and a long-drawn sigh which can safely be interpreted as `Difficult-to-understand-and-impossible-to-discipline’.True. Bringing up human kids is no easy task. After the initial euphoria of having a baby settles down, begins the challenge. In fact, that’s what many parents treat their kids as a challenge they have to win. And that’s where they lose it. The restrictions, the disciplining, the do-this and the don’t-do-that anything to set them in a mould which would suit the parents, whether or not it would suit the child. In the process parents end up becoming just that parents! Parents, who may inspire awe initially, confuse a bit later, stifle as they grow some more and finally become people the young adult wants to leave behind and move on. What a child needs these days is a mature pal in the guise of a mom and a dad. You cannot chisel out a human being to suit yourself, no matter how hard you try. The contention that children are impressionable and can be carved whatever way you want, works… but to an extent. All you can do is put what you consider as right and wrong before them, and let them decide whetheryour right is their right too.Thankfully, they don’t make moulds for children. Heaven knows what parents would have done with them. This is not to say that parents aren’t qualified to raise kids the “right” way. They certainly are. But the fact remains that like all individuals, parents too are a reaction (call it product, if you please) to their circumstances. As such, they too have been shaped by a string of incidents which formed their life. So, whatever they impart to their kids often stems from these occurrences. It may, or may not be what the child has thought for himself.Undoubtedly, parents are justified in their place. They are more experienced and as such, know more, if not always better. They can often tell which way the kid is headed in from his habits, company and attitude. It certainly must be frustrating for them to know that they can save their child, if only the child would allow them to. Drugs, drinks, and cigarettes, and the many other ills that ail society must surely be giving them many sleepless nights considering that their child could be the next victim. And so, they act the way they do.Their actions are well meant, but not always well delivered. When advice fails and threats fall against a wall, they often resort to guilt therapy, which is perhaps the strongest and the most liberally-used weapon. But in doing so, they stand to lose the child’s love and respect. A tyrant, that’s what they emerge for wanting to save your child from harm.It’s difficult to understand who is to blame here parents, for wanting to give their children a perfect life, or children, for wanting to live it their way? Both, I guess. The desire for freedom is inherent and it’s bound to surface at one point or the other in a child.As for parents, it isn’t easy to let go of a child they’ve been responsible for, for years. They want to pluck all the thorns from the rose stems that come their child’s way. But they forget, without thorns, a rose is no rose. It’s fake and tampered with. The child will never learn to appreciate it for what it is. He’ll never hold it gently accepting it with all the beauty and pain it has to offer. This rose comes to him second-hand, after it’s passed through another set of hands. That’s the way with life too.I remember a more experienced colleague saying: “Every young person has to step out in the big bad world, away from the castle protected by guards, slay his/her dragons and win the treasure.” I couldn’t agree more. Let the youth free. Let them find their own way. They will. And the experience will do them good. It’ll turn them into confident adults from the uncertain, staggering children they once were. The risk is great, but it’s well worth it.(The writer is working as a sub-editor with The Indian Express.)