All the news that can’t be printed

(The Washington-based Indian correspondent is incapable of having any direct contact with any American source, named or unnamed. Hence he depends on the Indian press consular and clips from American newspapers whenever they write about India. His ultimate challenge—to make a rehashed story look like his own.)

FROM OUR TV CLIP AND NEWSPAPER RE-HASH CORRESPONDENT, WASHINGTON:

Informed sources (in the Washington Post) said the State Department is upset over the leakage of tapes that reveal a ‘‘confused’’ Bush mind over Arun Jaitley’s appointment in Kashmir as interlocutor. Following is the transcript of a conversation between Bush and the CIA Station Chief. (Attention Editor: give me a page one byline because I was the first to get a copy of the Washington Post advance edition.)

Bush: There is some progress in Kashmir but why are there three interlocutors—K C Pant, A S Dulat and Arun Jaitley?

CIA Station chief: No, the deputy PM is asserting himself. Pant and Dulat are the PM’s men, Jaitley is his own man. Two will report to the PM, one to the Deputy PM.

Bush: Too many cooks…

CIA Station chief: No, Pant will look at the pre-1953 position in Kashmir for which he’s been given Cabinet rank, Jaitley, in his new role as party general secretary without Cabinet rank will look at autonomy in the Kashmir election 2002 context.

Bush: How will not giving him Cabinet rank help?

CIA Station chief: I don’t know. But Dulat who is looking after Kashmir for years has been successful only because he is on continuous extension in the PMO.

Bush: Seems confusing.

Officials (the Washington Post correspondent) further reported that the US does not, for a moment, believe that the NDA Government is clueless about Kashmir. They also denied that India is continuing to tie itself up in knots over the issue.

Jack Straw, Britain’s diplomatic warrior in peace!

FROM OUR SNOOTY DIPLOMATIC EDITOR, LONDON:

(Britain believes that Straw’s frequent visits to Islamabad and New Delhi is actually easing tensions)

Jack Straw’s 77th visit to Islamabad and New Delhi has achieved a major breakthrough. Besides boosting tourism prospects in the subcontinent and strengthening the British pound against the weakened Indian rupee, it is also easing tensions.

India is now insisting that concrete steps need to be taken before further de-escalation and Pakistan now says cross border terrorism will only end if India begins talks on Kashmir. Says Straw, who recently won the frequent flier award to British declared unsafe places,

“It is a measure of our success that both sides area talking even if it is at cross purposes. It is not correct to say that Musharraf snubbed me and did not give me time. He was busy with the US Special Forces and the FBI in a specially executed Al Qaeda sting operation.’’

British Foreign ministry officials said Straw would again be visiting both the countries. A British tabloid headline about Straw’s recent Indo-Pak visit which asked ‘‘Finally Jack, what are you actually clutching at?’’ was described as an act of treason by the British Foreign Office.

Mahajan says sorry, Kalam not a satellite

FROM OUR TELECOMMUNICATIONS CORRESPONDENT IN NEW DELHI:

INSIDERS say that while Pramod Mahajan has apologised in the House and to A P J Abdul Kalam for calling him a satellite, the Telecommunications Department is actually launching a top secret missile called Kalam. It—the Kalam Missile—is however not a satellite. Sources said Mahajan’s outburst was a breach of security but Mahajan has also apologised to the chief of security.

The Kalam Missile would be launched during Chacha Nehru’s birthday because Kalam loves children. It would contain devotional songs from Tirukural and Subramaniam Bharati, carry the message of Kabir and peace and visit all countries.

Officials denied that it was misguided or that it would only end up shooting itself. With ‘‘course correction’’, Kalam would be the best missile of the NDA government.