‘Badi maar padi hai mujhe bachpan mein’: Urvashi Dholakia on navigating her parents’ opposing parenting styles

“Some children may lean towards the parent with whom they feel more secure,” says psychologist Anjali Gursahaney.

By: Lifestyle Desk
New Delhi | Updated: April 12, 2025 04:08 PM IST

4 min read

Urvashi Dholakia on her upbringing (Source: Instagram/URVASHI)

Parenting styles can vary significantly, even within the same household. Urvashi Dholakia, best known for playing Komolika in Kasautii Zindagii Kay, recently reflected on her upbringing, highlighting the contrasting approaches of her parents.

In an interview with Hauterrfly, the actor shared, “Meri deadline hoti thi, but not from my father’s side. Mere dad bahut liberal the iss matter mein, mummy kaafi strict rahi hai. She was a proper Punjabi conservative… badi maar padi hai mujhe bachpan mein yaar… bahut dhulai hui hai, pitai toh bahut hui hai. See, mere jo bade bhai hai na, he was a topper, main bottom mein padhai mein. Toh woh kahan 99 on 100, main 35 on 100. It was like that. So it was always like trying to push to get better. But, deadline hoti thi, ki khelna koodna kar lo apna, 7 pm ghar pe aana. Night out toh bahut late shuru hua. Mujhe aaj kal jo hota hai na, stay overs bachchon ke, humein toh pata hi nahi tha yeh concept kya hota hai because we were never allowed.”

Every parent brings their beliefs and experiences into raising a child, but how do these different approaches impact a child’s development?

According to psychologist Anjali Gursahaney, “When children are raised by parents with contrasting parenting styles — one being strict and the other more lenient — they often develop adaptive strategies to navigate between the two. Some children may lean towards the parent with whom they feel more secure, while others may learn to switch behaviours depending on which parent they are interacting with.”

However, she says this inconsistency can create confusion, especially in areas like discipline, decision-making, and emotional regulation. According to Gursahaney, it may lead to:

Mixed signals: The child might struggle to understand what is expected of them.
Manipulative behaviour: Some children learn to play one parent against the other to get their way.
Struggles with authority: They may have difficulty respecting rules as they receive conflicting messages about boundaries.

Long-term effects of strict parenting versus a more lenient approach on a child’s emotional and social well-being

Strict parenting can instill discipline and responsibility, Gursahaney states, but excessive rigidity may lead to lower self-esteem, heightened anxiety, and difficulty in expressing emotions. On the other hand, a lenient approach fosters independence and confidence but, when extreme, can result in impulsiveness, lack of discipline, and struggles with authority.

The expert adds that research on parenting styles, such as Baumrind’s (1967) study, highlights that authoritarian parenting prioritises obedience over emotional connection, often causing anxiety and fear of failure. Conversely, permissive parenting, which emphasises freedom without structure, may lead to poor self-discipline and difficulty handling criticism. The ideal balance lies in authoritative parenting, which combines discipline with warmth, fostering resilience, emotional intelligence, and strong decision-making skills.

Striking a balance between discipline and freedom

To create a well-balanced approach, Gursahaney suggests parents can:

Set clear but flexible boundaries: Rules should be consistent but allow room for negotiation as the child matures.
Use positive reinforcement: Encouraging good behavior rather than punishing bad behavior fosters motivation.
Communicate openly: Children should feel heard and understood rather than controlled.
Model emotional regulation: Instead of reacting with anger or excessive control, parents can show calm problem-solving.
Adapt parenting styles as children grow: Younger children may need stricter guidance, while teenagers benefit from more autonomy.