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Journalism of Courage
One night, when she was a 30-year-old tasked with expanding the footprint of the educational consultancy firm she worked at and was chasing impossible timelines, Rajni Kakkar thought she was going to die. Breathless and choking, she flailed her limbs around helplessly as her family rushed her to hospital, fearing a heart attack. “But it was an anxiety attack. Before that I had episodes of extreme acidity and gut issues. My stomach felt like a rock and I would be popping antacids the entire day. I never thought that everything was the result of stress that I had internalized and medicines were just symptomatic relief,” she says.
Realising that she wouldn’t put herself or her family through such trauma anymore, she decided to step back and prioritise her health. Now at 50, Kakkar is an independent education consultant in Chandigarh, working at her own pace. “I remembered someone telling me that if you don’t love yourself, don’t expect anyone else to. That hit home,” she recalls. Of course, the journey of reclaiming her life on her own terms was “long, lonely and difficult” — it took her decades — but she got there.
The Chandigarh-based education consultant, with a Master’s in public administration from Panjab University, describes how stress creeps in unnoticed and manifests in so many ways. “Since it is intangible, one cannot feel its impact till such time one is overwhelmed,” she says.
It all began with performance pressure in the early part of her life. Her parents expected nothing but perfection and she was always working to appease them, which became a pattern over time. “That feeling about ‘never being good enough’, did not allow me to enjoy my successes. In the process, I never celebrated my milestone achievements, and the same pattern permeated my relationships and work,” says Kakkar.
The fear of failure or falling short kept her on the edge throughout. Being a single parent and the only earning member of the family made her insecure. As the job became Kakkar’s lifeline, she took everything in her stride — long working hours, living out of suitcases, meeting constant deadlines. As a business development head, her life became only about chasing numbers and targets, expanding the company’s projects in 27 cities over six years. Although the pressure was overwhelming, Kakkar says she could not quit, as she felt she didn’t have the bandwidth to start afresh. “There were bills to pay and I was uncertain if a job change could dramatically alter that. So stress seemed negotiable,” says Kakkar.
Dr Rahul Chakraborty, psychiatrist, PGIMER, Chandigarh, who has counselled many professionals, has identified red flags. “If you are developing negative feelings towards your work, your efficiency and productivity are reducing and you are becoming irritable, speak to your supervisor and express your issues and concerns,” he says.
PGIMER itself has a template to avoid burnouts among doctors. “We have a buddy system, where we mentor junior residents and this helps in open communication and interaction. Tough and challenging assignments should be equally divided among staff and one person should not bear the load. People must work hard but not carry work home. Instead, develop some hobbies, spend time with family and friends, seek help when you feel low, exercise,” says the doctor. “Work is part of your life and not your complete identity,” he adds.
With increasing work demands and hyper anxiety, Kakkar began experiencing extreme gastrointestinal issues like acidity, bloating, reflux, diarrhoea and even thyroid issues. She would complain of extreme fatigue, joint pains, breathlessness, palpitations and a tightness around the neck. “Medicines over the years did not help much. Doctors tell you to stay calm, meditate, make lifestyle changes but it’s easier said than done, particularly when insecurity gnaws at you and you feel guilty of allowing yourself some me-time,” says Kakkar.
When she did get around to seek mental health support with psychologists, there were twin hurdles. “First, I felt that they could not see my fears through my individual lens. Of course, they help you with a lot of coping strategies but applying them to your unique set of circumstances isn’t easy. At some stage, you have to adapt them to your realities. Then the anti-depressants left me sadder. I think stress is a reactive disorder that varies from subject to subject. So we must change the response to it. If you draw boundaries and know when to say no, exit no matter what your circumstance is, you will have found your work-life balance,” explains Kakkar.
Kakkar started writing a journal, detailing her anxiety triggers. “It seemed like a complaint book. I then changed the pattern. I would write the problem and then list possible solutions beneath it. It worked as I realised that I actually had the power to address the problem,” says Kakkar.
That confidence was the takeoff point. “I stopped comparing myself with others, am learning how to empathise, spend time with myself, walking, and with nature. It is not that I don’t dream, but I don’t chase it to the point where I am miserable. I am rebuilding the human connections I had lost along the way, and appreciating life. All I can say is sit back, unburden and look at your stress from a distance. Then face it.”
Once she learnt to surrender, accept her realities and felt reassured about breaking the chain of thoughts, she started her own education consultancy. “My work is still the only way to give my family comfort and joy. But I manage it instead of work consuming me,” says Kakkar.
