Freedom at midnight

Do not change lanes. Do not honk,even just like that. Do not pee outside the white circle,and certainly not on the rim,even if it is a hairy,all-men’s loo. Use only one side of toilet paper. Do not shout “Arre Biddu,where is bum shower?” from inside toilet with pants around ankle.

Do not spit,even if wall is virginally devoid of all God pictures. Do not interrupt when someone else is talking,even if he is talking American management bullshit,which is more complicated than Indian management bullshit because it is spoken in American accent.

Do not shout “Hallow,hallow” 178 times in one minute on expensive cellular phone in Four Seasons hotel. Do not say: “Chekuss! Chekuss!” to pretty woman in skin-tight black mini-skirt with red G-string at LAX airport.

Do not go to front of queue to “just check something”.

Show indicator when turning right,and you have to show when turning left also,and no cheating by showing right and turning left. Do not use elbows and knees when getting on to air train,then why only God gave them to us,hanh,hanh,tell?!

Say “Excuse me” when passing on footpath,and again “Excuse me” when passing on footpath,and again “Excuse me” when passing on footpath. In Mumbai,if I do like that,my tongue will get stuck to upper palette just walking down stairs of Churchgate Station.

Do not cross road without pressing button on lamppost. And you still have to wait for little man on opposite lamppost to turn green.

If you cycle you have to cycle in lane; if you drive you have to drive in lane; if you walk you have to walk in lane; if you use escalator and like to just stand while big American men bound past you,then also you have to stand in lane; and lastly if you sit next to beautiful woman in aircraft for bloody first time in life,then bloody also you have to sit in bloody lane.

And when woman in checkout lane at supermarket says: “Have a nice day” do not reply: “Chal,chal,let’s eat vada pau at Dadar Station,” she means nothing.

And above all these rules and regulations,remember that when they are saying America is free market it means nothing because nothing is free. Everything you have to pay for,even alcohol on domestic airline flight at breakfast. Even for bad breakfast on same flight ($8),and even trolley at airport ($5),and even cab driver to airport,meter plus tip ($25 plus $5!),and even suitcase which is under excess baggage limit ($20 for first bag,$30 for second bag,or maybe it is other way around) And do not carry bedroll into aircraft cabin,even if you say,“It shrinks when I wash it”,it will not work and they will not allow. And wait till woman with baby in front of you puts her bedroll in overhead bin before shoving past… phew!

Postscript: And then,at the stroke of the midnight hour,after pushing my way through the aisles of an Air India flight,scrambling across three seats for my non-veg meal before anyone else could take,rushing past three old ladies and one wheelchair passenger through customs,I finally kissed the pothole outside Sahar. I was free.

(E-mail the columnist at adipochas@yahoo.com)