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Journalism of Courage
How do you choose a friend? You may like their vibe, their intellect, sense of humour, or maybe you survived an eternally boring course together. But will you become friends with someone “shady”, suspicious or untrustworthy? Well, Sara Ali Khan happily will, that too in a heartbeat.
The Kedarnath actor once revealed her unique criteria for making friends in The Kapil Sharma Show (Season 2). “Maine notice kiya hai jab bhi mujhe lagta haina ye banda shady hai mai dosti kar leti hu.” (I’ve noticed that whenever I find someone shady, I become friends with them).
According to her, keeping a risky person around makes it easier to keep an eye on them: “Jaha tak mai samajhti hu, jin logo se bachna chahiye na door nahi rehna chahiye as pas rakhna chahiye nigrani me taki paa chale kya ho raha hai. Khan finds keeping risks right in front of her, rather than being backstabbed out of the blue: “Tab mujhe lagta hai jo bhi hoga samne hoga na, peeche se marne wale.. wo darawani cheez hoti hai.”
Intrigued by Sara Ali Khan’s unique approach to dealing with untrustworthy people, we reached out to clinical psychologist Neha Prashar to decode why some people are drawn to and befriend “shady” people.
Prashar reveals that some people are subconsciously drawn to unpredictability because it evokes a sense of “intensity or excitement” that stable relationships may not offer. When a person grows up in an environment where inconsistency feels familiar, the brain mistakes chaos for connection. “At a psychological level, it can also be an unconscious attempt to ‘fix’ or redeem the person, a way of restoring control over early experiences of mistrust or betrayal.”
“It can be a combination of all three, depending on one’s personality and past experiences,” says Prashar. She further explains that some people are naturally curious about human complexity, while others may be empathic to the point of overlooking red flags. “There are also those who enjoy the risk, the emotional adrenaline of being close to danger yet feeling in control. The underlying motive is often to understand, influence, or neutralise what feels threatening.”
“Psychologically, it can create an illusion of safety,” Prashar points out. When a person senses that someone might be manipulative, their instinct may be to stay close to anticipate their moves or avoid being targeted. “It’s a survival strategy that stems from hypervigilance: ‘If I stay near the threat, I can manage it.’ However, the psychologist warns that this perceived control is rarely real and often leads to “emotional exhaustion or erosion of boundaries” over time.
Prashar affirms this completely and explains that the people we are drawn to often mirror parts of ourselves we haven’t fully acknowledged. “Being attracted to morally grey individuals can reflect our own curiosity about forbidden traits, ambition, manipulation, or defiance, that we suppress to maintain social acceptability.” As per the Carl Jung school of psychology, “it’s the shadow self seeking expression through another person.”
The key lies in self-awareness, according to the psychologist. She advises that when someone recognises that their attraction to unpredictability is more about stimulation than substance, they can consciously set emotional limits. “Healthy thrill-seeking can coexist with boundaries, but only if one is clear about their motivations and alert to early signs of harm” She asserts that therapy can help replace emotional chaos with more grounded forms of excitement and intimacy.
“Yes, prolonged exposure to moral ambiguity can blur one’s own ethical lines,” Prashar confirms. She explains that emotional proximity normalises certain behaviours, manipulation, deceit, exploitation, and “what once felt wrong can start to feel acceptable.” Over time, people may internalise these patterns without realising it. “The good news is that awareness acts as a psychological safeguard. Reflecting on these dynamics can help individuals stay anchored to their core values,” she concludes.
