‘Ek baar main kisiko chhorh doon, phir bhagwan bhi ajaye toh…’: As Sunita Ahuja shares views on cutting ties with people, a psychologist decodes behaviour

Q1. Some people choose not to look back when they cut ties with someone. What’s the psychology behind this?

According to Kohli, when people decide to permanently cut ties, it’s often an act of emotional self-preservation. “They may have reached a point of emotional exhaustion or repeated hurt where maintaining the relationship feels psychologically unsafe,” she explains. She adds that such a decision usually stems from past experiences in which forgiveness or compromise didn’t bring about change, leaving the person feeling disrespected or devalued. “Not looking back,” she says, “becomes a form of boundary-setting — a way to protect mental peace, rebuild self-respect, and regain emotional control.” Kohli stresses that it’s not always about bitterness; sometimes, it’s about closure and protecting one’s emotional well-being.

Q2. How do past experiences shape such strong response patterns?

Kohli explains that our early life experiences — especially those involving trust, attachment, or betrayal — create emotional templates that shape how we handle pain later in life. “Someone who grew up in an unstable or invalidating environment may learn to protect themselves by shutting down emotionally when hurt,” she says. “Similarly, if a person repeatedly experiences manipulation or broken trust in adulthood, detachment becomes the safest route.” Over time, she adds, the brain begins to associate cutting off with emotional safety, and this coping mechanism can activate automatically during future conflicts.

Q3. What happens mentally and emotionally when someone clings to hurt or refuses reconciliation or letting things be?

“When someone holds on to hurt, they stay emotionally tied to the source of their pain,” Kohli says. The brain keeps replaying the event, triggering stress hormones like cortisol, which can lead to anxiety, disturbed sleep, and even physical fatigue. “Emotionally, it can result in bitterness, mistrust, or difficulty forming new bonds,” she notes. Holding on to pain keeps the mind in a fight-or-flight mode, whereas forgiveness — whether or not reconciliation happens — allows emotional release and calm. “True healing doesn’t always mean reconnecting,” Kohli concludes, “it means freeing yourself from the emotional weight of the past.”

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