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Journalism of Courage
It is exciting when you meet someone whom you share a lot of chemistry with. You almost feel like they were the missing piece of the puzzle in your life. Everything seems perfect; they listen to you, pay attention to the minor details, care about you, treat you with respect, and make you feel like you are the center of their universe.
When this happens, it’s normal to feel that this person is exactly what you’ve been looking for your whole life. But, what’s crucial during the initial stages of getting to know someone, especially romantically, is to take things very, very slow.
Elisa Gizzo, an associate marriage and family therapist at Andrea Cornell Marriage and Family Therapy in New York City, explains in a story published by Women’s Health that moving slowly in a new relationship provides the opportunity to get to know each other better and understand if both the individuals like each other’s company.
Many of us have dealt with getting attached to someone too quickly, but left disappointed at the end. This can often lead to feelings of disappointment, low self-esteem and heartbreak. “Emotional manipulation, disappointment, and abuse are faced by individuals who are especially emotionally vulnerable and it can result in a vicious cycle that becomes difficult to get out of later on,” psychologist Shravani Bongu confirms.
In conversation with indianexpress.com, Bongu sheds light on why people form attachments quickly, and how to take a step back when one notices that they are falling into a rabbit hole early on in a relationship:
Forming rapid attachments can happen due to many reasons, according to Bongu, the most common being because you are attracted to the person physically, emotionally, or intellectually.
She adds that there could be other factors that come into play as well. She explains, “In compensation, we see a person who has been neglected as a child that actively seeks this sense of safety, love, and support from anyone who is willing to give it.”
Bongu continues that some may take the path of displacement, where they look to redirect their unresolved emotions and desires to a new relationship as soon as possible. “A person who frequently resorts to idealisation would see the person in rosy lights and thinks that whoever they meet is “definitely the one” and won’t take time to rationally think through it,” she says.
She further states that extroverts, people high in neuroticism, individuals with anxious attachment styles or low self-esteem, as well as individuals who have impulsive traits can all result in forming this style of relationship.
“When our thoughts, actions, beliefs and values are formed due to the various influences around us, whether it’s the society or the environment, we consider it to be social conditioning,” Bongu clarifies.
She further explains that today we are increasingly exposed to social media from a young age. Even in movies they often see things like “love at first sight”, she says, with peers at school and college also acting as a major pressure factor in the individual’s life, and being in relationships is termed as “cool”.
And as they get older, Bongu suggests, there is a certain age by which everyone is expected to get married and have children. This pressure is put directly or indirectly by parents, teachers, and society as a whole, who take a collective responsibility in the mind shaping of the younger lot.
As a solution, she says that people in relationships should take ample time to assess their emotional depth, communication, and compatibility to see if the relationship is worth investing in. Of course it helps to have an outsider perspective, she adds, so do take feedback from a trusted person.
The first step to cultivating more healthy and sustainable connections is for individuals to be aware of their own patterns, whether it be dating or other personal relationships. This can help them take active steps to address this issue.
Additionally, Bongu proposes that practicing self-awareness exercises like journaling, mindful meditation, and grounded breathing, can help as well. Further, setting realistic time goals in getting to know the person, and answering important questions about the person before deciding to get into the relationship, she recommends.
If nothing else works, there are therapists who can help you find the root of the problem and in turn find a solid solution. They can help the person also overcome feelings of anxiety and low self-esteem. This helps in the overall development of the person, she concludes, rather than just symptomatic treatment.
