‘You do things to impress…’: Ananya Panday on changing herself for love; expert’s take on compromise vs losing self-identity

She continued to reflect on a past relationship where she realised that she changed herself for the person she was dating. “We all have a little bit. I have been in a relationship where I have changed myself a lot, but not to the point that it turned bad… You do things to impress in the beginning of a relationship and you don’t realise how much you are changing for your partner,” she admitted. 

While it’s natural to compromise and adapt in a partnership, Panday’s reflection raises an important question: When does compromising for a partner begin to affect your sense of identity and self-worth?

Gurleen Baruah, existential psychotherapist at That Culture Thing, tells indianexpress.com, “Compromising in a relationship is often misunderstood. While every healthy partnership requires compromises from both sides, issues arise when one partner consistently gives up more than the other.” 

Baruah adds that this imbalance can affect their sense of identity and self-worth. One of the first signs is a loss of autonomy — when your decisions no longer feel like your own but are shaped by your partner’s preferences. “Alongside this, you might start to feel taken for granted. When your efforts to compromise go unnoticed or unappreciated, it can foster feelings of being undervalued, especially if your partner doesn’t show the same willingness to meet you halfway.”

Some people change themselves to please their partner because, deep down, they might be seeking validation or approval (Source: Freepik)

Another concerning sign is the gradual erosion of respect in the relationship. If your boundaries or needs are consistently dismissed, it can chip away at your confidence and leave you questioning your worth. This often creates a dynamic where you feel less like an equal partner and more like someone whose role is to accommodate, regardless of the personal cost.

On a psychological level, repeated imbalances can lead to self-concept erosion, says Baruah,  where you lose sight of who you are outside the relationship. You might also experience cognitive dissonance — the inner conflict that arises when your actions conflict with your values or desires. 

Why do some people tend to change themselves to please their partner?

Some people change themselves to please their partner because, deep down, they might be seeking validation or approval, notes Baruah. “It often stems from low self-esteem or a belief that they need to be someone ‘better’ or more likable to deserve love. Sometimes, it’s about wanting to impress their partner or trying to fit into their world, thinking that mirroring their interests or behaviours will create a stronger bond. This can also happen with anxious attachment styles, where there’s a fear of rejection or abandonment. In such cases, people may cling or over-adapt, hoping to avoid conflict or loss.”

Another layer to this is not having a strong sense of self. Baruah explains that when someone hasn’t fully explored who they are or what they stand for, it’s easy to mold themselves to match a partner’s expectations. “This isn’t always conscious — it might feel like they’re just being flexible or accommodating—but over time, it can lead to a loss of authenticity.”

What to do

Baruah suggests that regaining one’s authentic self “starts with self-awareness.” Asking questions like, “Who am I outside this relationship? What makes me happy or fulfilled?” can help reconnect with their core identity. It’s also about understanding the root of this pattern. Are they trying to avoid conflict? Do they fear being alone? Recognizing these drivers can make it easier to address them.

Another step is setting small boundaries. Saying no to things that don’t align with one’s values or preferences is a way to rebuild one’s sense of agency. “Open communication is also crucial — sharing thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment helps reinforce the idea that one is valued for who they are, not for who they try to be,” stresses Baruah.

Baruah concludes, “Reconnecting with hobbies, interests, and people who remind them of their true self can also provide a sense of grounding and independence.”

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