Last week, a 25-year-old techie from TCS died by suicide after making a video blaming his estranged wife for harassment, amid threats to embroil him in a prolonged legal battle. Recently enough, another similar suicide made headlines: of Atul Subhash, 34, whose two-hour video before taking that drastic step highlighted in excruciating detail what a nightmare a contested divorce can be. Caught between allegedly false criminal cases and denied access to his son, Sharma had declared bitterly that his ashes shouldn’t be immersed if justice isn’t served, rather they be thrown in the gutter around the court that had made his last years a living hell.
Are these tragedies simply aberrations by fragile men of unsound mind who can’t handle the fallout arising from failed marriages? Because, plenty of people are trapped in terrible situations but they don’t all go around offing themselves. Or, is it indicative of a wider problem, that a sizable number of men become victims of frustrating court protocol, their unheeded despair pushing them to this extreme step? It is worth noting, the narrative around acrimonious separations is shifting: a quiet pushback is gaining momentum, both by citizens and courts, questioning laws and biases that manipulate opinion, typically, painting women as hapless victims of galling men.
The magazine http://www.voiceformenindia.com carries the latest news in rulings on POCSO and Sections 498A (domestic violence). There are videos with important information for young men on their rights when a consensual relationship turns into an accusation of rape by a spurned lover. In a ruling last month, the Orissa High Court quashed rape charges against a man acknowledging that non-culmination of a relationship into marriage can be a “personal grievance” but “failure of love is not a crime”. (A welcome judgment, but the process is the punishment since the accused has had to live with the ignominy of being deemed a rapist since 2012.) At the same time, a baffling order by the Allahabad HC directed a 26-year-old rape accused to marry the 23-year-old victim within three months. Indian Purush, a popular page on Linked In, clearly run by an embittered man, vows to fight suchlike #legalterrorism and has organised what they’re calling a “satyagraha for men”, a march to Jantar Mantar on April 19, drawing attention to these suicides.
It doesn’t need to be said that in a hopelessly patriarchal society, laws protecting women from dowry demands and violence are critical. But it bears acknowledgment that while the constructs of sex and marriage remain legally intertwined, the scope for formidable deceit is also huge. Going by the anguished comments posted on various handles of male rights’ crusaders on X and YouTube — men are floundering, completely out of their depth dealing with emancipated women who have the law and public sympathy on their side. No wonder the modern wife has been recast as a pitiless femme fatale, the (toxic) Indian male no match for her cunning wiles.
The blunt truth, however, is comically simple: marriages lasted when women didn’t have money. When they match men financially, their expectations rise and their tolerance dips. Men, stuck in some time warp, are still reeling in befuddlement that women aren’t interested in doubling up to perform the traditional roles their mothers did. Actually, the twin forces of women’s empowerment and male entitlement have sounded the death knell for marriages.
The issue of casual sexism is hilariously addressed in a Netflix show, Alpha Males, about four middle-aged amigos navigating the changing world of masculinity. One loses his job and becomes an assistant to his influencer wife, another is shattered by his wife wanting an open marriage. Since the days of Cleopatra, the mystique of the ambitious, independent woman has been seen as a threat. Today, there’s a Cleopatra, everywhere.
The writer is director, Hutkay Films
