‘I am a bad mother and bad wife…Jo hai, hai’: Kajol on being wrongfully labelled; psychologist explains the mental impact and strategies to cope

Taking a cue from Kajol Devgn’s statement, we reached out to Aparna Rai, Clinical Psychologist at Cadabams Hospitals and Rehabilitation Centre, to understand how such labels affect a person and the best ways to deal with them.

How does taking stress about labels like “you’re a bad mother” or “you’re a bad wife” affect a person’s mental health and self-identity?

Internalising labels such as “you’re a bad mother” or “you’re a bad wife” can have a profoundly corrosive effect on mental health and self-perception, says clinical psychologist Aparna Rai. “This involves integrating external judgments into one’s core self-concept, a psychological structure known as a self-schema,” she explains. “Their brain can begin to treat these statements as data points about their identity.”

A strong support system provides positive reinforcement and can serve as a buffer against negative labelling (image source: instagram/kajol)

Repeated exposure to such negative labels, especially from significant others, can trigger cognitive dissonance, where a person’s positive self-view clashes with the label. To resolve this conflict, they may subconsciously adjust their self-schema to align with the negativity.

Rai adds that cognitive biases, like confirmation bias, amplify this effect: “A mother who’s been called ‘bad’ might fixate on the one time she lost her temper, while ignoring countless times she was patient and nurturing.” Over time, this can lead to depression, guilt, purposelessness, anhedonia (loss of pleasure), anxiety, losing touch withthe  authentic self, disconnection with personal strengths, low self-esteem, and identity disturbance.

How do such labels impact a person’s interpersonal relationships and social interactions?

To disprove the negative label and earn validation, an individual might engage in excessive people-pleasing, say “yes” to every request, and suppress their own needs and feelings, leading to burnout and resentment (Source: instagram/kajol)

Rai points out that negative labels inevitably spill over into relationships. “People may withdraw from social situations, become hypersensitive to perceived criticism, and engage in excessive people-pleasing,” she says.

Even a neutral comment from a partner, like ‘did you remember to pack the snacks?’, might be interpreted as an accusation of incompetence. “This can lead to defensive or irritable responses, creating conflict and pushing loved ones away,” Rai notes.

A wife who feels she is “bad” might avoid intimacy with her partner, while a mother who feels inadequate may pull back from other parents at school, fearing their scrutiny. She’ll either become overly permissive out of guilt or overly strict out of fear of mistakes.

This inconsistency can confuse children and strain partnerships, creating a cycle of tension and reinforcing the negative belief. “The partner or child may feel like they are walking on eggshells, unable to communicate openly for fear of triggering a negative reaction. This erodes trust and emotional intimacy, ironically reinforcing the individual’s belief that they are failing in their relationships,” Rai cautions.

What advice or strategies would you recommend to help someone avoid internalising these negative labels or manage the resulting stress effectively?

Rai suggests a multi-faceted approach to managing internalised negative labels. “Cognitive reframing is key. Recognise the thought as just a thought, challenge the evidence, and replace it with a balanced statement. For example, ‘I’m a human mother doing my best. I make mistakes, but I always love my children and try to grow.’ Act like a detective: write down times you were caring or supportive to counter the negative label.”

Rai emphasises on self-compassion through mindful awareness (“This is a moment of suffering”), common humanity, and self-kindness, noting research linking it to lower anxiety and depression.

Other strategies include setting healthy boundaries, starting small, like declining a minor request, curating supportive social circles while limiting contact with consistently critical people, and seeking professional help, with therapies like CBT or ACT proven effective for challenging negative self-perceptions and building self-worth.

DISCLAIMER: This article is based on information from the public domain and/or the experts we spoke to. Always consult your health practitioner before starting any routine.

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