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Journalism of Courage
What does it take to be married, navigate the highs and lows of the industry, keep the confidence up in the face of rejections and also be movie stars in the public eye? Actors Vidya Balan and Pratik Gandhi, co-stars in the romantic drama Do Aur Do Pyaar, talk about their journey in the industry– and how it has shaped them at the inaugural session of Expresso, a specially curated series on culture and entertainment, held in Mumbai. Vidya and Pratik spoke about their film, modern relationships and nepotism. The conversation was moderated by Justin Rao.
Edited excerpts:
From the sense one gets from the teaser, your upcoming film Do Aur Do Pyar is going to look at modern relationships. How do you look at infidelity?
Vidya Balan: I don’t think it’s cool, but I do think it happens sometimes. I do know that people don’t set out to cheat on their partners but it ends up happening sometimes. As an outsider, you’re no one to judge who did what and why. It’s not all black and white. You’ll never know what happens between two people.
Pratik Gandhi: Had I not been an actor, I could have had strong judgments on a lot of things. But being an artist and an actor actually made me empathise with a lot of different people in different situations. It’s always easy to say that it’s wrong, it’s right. But the moment you see their situation or feel it, you might have a different opinion.
What’s a deal breaker in a relationship for both of you then?
Pratik: Loss of respect.
Vidya: Trust.
They say marriage in the film industry can be difficult to sustain because of all the temptations that surround actors. Is there some truth to it?
Vidya: As actors we switch on and switch off, right? You have to be true to the moment. And you are being intimate with a stranger sometimes, or with your co-actor. There are romantic, intense moments. But once you call for a cut, you just snap out of it. That also happens with age and experience. Maybe early on, you can’t quite draw the line between real and reel. But with experience, I think you learn to do that pretty well.
Pratik: Actors are constantly dealing with different emotions. So they are the best ones to control them well. Temptations are equal in corporate worlds, in all the other fields.
Pratik, how was navigating marriage and married life for you in a joint family setup?
Pratik: It was the most fun I had. My parents, my younger brother, my wife and I were all living together in a one room kitchen converted to one BHK flat. We had a lot of memories, a lot of good memories.
Vidya: I didn’t want (the early days of Siddhartha and I) coming out anywhere. And the paparazzi culture had just started. So I remember our first few dates were only in the car. We would keep driving around from Bandra to town and back. But they were heavy, heady times. Very exciting. The fun was also because there was this slightly clandestine quality to it, which I completely enjoyed.
Vidya, you were almost supposed to do your first film with the Malayalam industry superstar, Mohanlal. The film got shelved. And then from 2000 till 2003, you were getting rejected from films. There were people calling you unlucky. Was that phase back-breaking, especially because you don’t come from a family of film privilege?
Vidya: I was going through heartbreak for three years. The feeling of rejection was so strong, and it was devastating. I was shattered, and my will to continue on this path would get shaken quite often. But I have to say that the fire in my belly outshone everything else. So I would go to bed crying almost every night.
But the next morning, I would be right back there. I’ll give it today, and then let’s see what happens. And that one day stretched to three years, but the tide began to turn. I’d pray a lot. I would also vent to my family, which gave me a lot of strength.
Do you remember a particular incident which really pushed you, which was really heartbreaking when you were not getting the kind of roles that you wanted?
Vidya: After the film with Mohanlal got shelved, another Malayalam film also got shelved. So that’s where I think people began to brand me unlucky or jinxed. And that was heartbreaking. That was for no fault of mine. A lot of other people who had signed me between these two films began to replace me without letting me know. So I think it was about a dozen films that I got replaced in.
I couldn’t make sense of it at all. I was doing a Tamil film. On the first day of the shoot, the producer came for the muhurat shot, took a step back and refused to meet me. I found that a bit odd. Then in a few days, I was replaced. Because he said, I got her kundli read, and she is unlucky. My parents… their hearts were also breaking for that child.
So I remember the three of us went to Chennai. We sat with the producer, and he said, ‘Just look at her, does she like a heroine from any angle?’ I think that comment about my appearance was very damaging. For about six months, I didn’t have the guts to look at myself in the mirror. But life comes full circle. And after Lage Raho Munna Bhai released, I bumped into the same producer at an airport. And he said, he’s doing a very big film and wanted to approach me with it. I said, ‘Sure. This is my manager’s number. You can speak to her.’
Pratik, you were working in Mumbai as a freelance mechanical engineer, supervising the installation of cell phone towers in the city and then going for auditions. How did you manage all of that back in the day?
Pratik: I loved that phase, actually. That phase taught me a lot of things. I had just shifted from Surat to Mumbai in 2004. TV was the biggest medium and a lot of series were being made. I thought, somewhere I’ll fit. I kept giving auditions. And TV rejected me outright. Their idea of having an actor on a television show was a little different.
My appearance didn’t work for them. They were looking at a certain kind of physique, certain kind of skin color. In one audition, a guy told me that, baaki sab toh theek hai, but tumhe ameer nahi dikha paayenge. And I was thinking to myself, if somebody can comment on my acting skills, I can still work on it. But how do I work on that? So I actually laughed at it. I said, then I guess I am too early here. I better take my time. And theatre was always my space. It gave me a lot of comfort. So I continued doing it.
Back in the day, the conversation, unfortunately, was not about the craft. It was on how you looked on screen. Looking back, with the awareness that you have today, do you think it was a witch hunt?
Vidya: If I have to be absolutely honest, I do. And it came from a personal issue that someone was having with me. And it’s okay. I’m better for it today.
Vidya, when you would watch yourself on screen in those films that you did in your initial phase, were there days when you would not identify with who you were on screen?
Vidya: I come from a non-film family, right? So if there was a costume designer on a film, I would not second guess what he was giving me to wear. I’m not going to stand and tell the DOP how they should light the frame. Similarly, I would wear exactly what the costume designer picked for me. But obviously, they didn’t know their job. And I think when I look back at the performances, thankfully, they’re fine.
But what I do feel in retrospect is that I was sticking out like a sore thumb, because it wasn’t challenging me. It wasn’t fulfilling me. I was not okay playing second fiddle. I think that phase was very crucial for me, because that then led me to choose Ishqiya and to do Paa and to do The Dirty Picture and Kahaani and No One killed Jessica. You throw stones at me and I’ll build a palace.
Did you ever feel the bite of nepotism the way people talk about it today? Kareena had made her debut a few years before Parineeta happened. And Pratik, when you were dancing at kids’ birthday parties to make money, Ranbir and Sonam Kapoor were on screen. A few years later, there was Alia Bhatt. Did the two of you ever feel that there is some disparity?
Pratika: I felt that disparity. I was in Surat, so I felt that anybody who’s living in Mumbai, they all have the advantage because they are closer to that industry. So I guess then nobody is to be blamed, and that’s how it works. Mujhe toh unke liye bahut bura lagta tha, that they couldn’t go to… They couldn’t face rejections, which could actually help them become better actors.
Vidya: I’ve never known how to respond to (the nepotism) question, because I feel, nepotism or no nepotism, I’m here. You know, kisi ke baap ki industry nahi hai. Nahi toh har baap ka beta, har baap ki beti successful hote. So I just feel that, I’ve always been a lone ranger, and I’ve been happy doing my own thing. There were times when I felt like maybe if I had the protection of certain people, then maybe people would have been kinder. But in terms of opportunities, I don’t think anyone’s been able to deny me my share. So I feel it really doesn’t matter.
Do you think the insistence on physical appearance, especially of a female star, has perhaps reduced over the years in the industry, because there’s so much talk of body positivity?
Vidya: I do think there’s a massive change. Previously, before every film, I’d get asked by the producer and director if I could shed some weight. And I’ve been going through some health challenges for a long, long time. So it was next to impossible. Finally, about four or five years ago, when the director said this to me, I told him, I’m not going to be the body you need me to be. So maybe you should go to the body you need for the film. They were obviously stunned. The part was written with me in mind, the part did not require me to be a swell figure. So why this insistence? And not like I wasn’t trying to shed weight, but I’ve had challenges. And I’ve tried my best to keep healthy. I think that’s always been my focus.
Growing up, I wanted to be thin. At a certain stage in life, I realised that if that’s not happening, let me be happy with the way I am. Because this body is keeping me alive, and it’s this body that I’m abusing. At some point, the body is going to stop working. And I won’t even be around to abuse it. So I just think that I began to love and accept myself. And therefore, it makes me so happy to see all kinds of bodies being represented on screen today, far more than before. It’s not absolute yet, but at least there’s change.
Back in the day, how did the industry react to your acclaim? Did you ever experience male stars being reluctant to star in a Vidya Balan film?
Vidya: Back in the day? I don’t think they’d be okay even today to star in a Vidya Balan film or in a female-led film. Their loss, honestly, because we’re doing better cinema than they are. They’re doing the more formulaic films, and the women-led films are far more exciting. People have been appreciative, but the male stars are uncomfortable with women taking center stage. Or rather, maybe they’re not okay with not taking center stage… I was like, they’re threatened. What can I do?
What’s the most important thing to remember when you first taste the big fame?
Pratik: I think I’ve understood this early on in my life: nothing is permanent. The applause of today may not be there tomorrow. The criticism of today may get converted to praise tomorrow. So I’m here as an actor. My job is to create characters in the most honest possible way, and that’s what I keep doing here.
Vidya, for you, was there learning after you started tasting success?
Vidya: Initially it was just unbelievable for me. This was a long-cherished dream and it had actually fructified. I was actually seeing success. And I don’t think I enjoyed it then, because I didn’t know how to. I was being presented with so many opportunities. I was just working back to back, and I didn’t pause to savour that moment. But maybe that’s the best way to deal with it.
What does a success like Crew mean to the industry today? It comes at a time when macho blockbusters seem to be ruling the charts.
Vidya: Actually, not all macho blockbusters are doing well. Here’s a film that had three women lead it. And it was so much fun. They weren’t taking themselves too seriously. And it thrills me that a film with three women, and at the age that they’re at, is doing so well. So it’s actually changing a lot. I think it’s a wonderful time.
Pratik, what’s your first memory of watching a Vidya Balan film?
Pratik: First memory was Hum Paanch. And then the striking memory was Parineeta. She was brilliant in the film.
Is there a certain advice that you are glad you didn’t take.
Vidya: I didn’t take no advice.
What does success mean to you?
Pratik: The definition of success changes every day. What I wanted yesterday, the moment I got there, now I need something else… For actors, success is when we see the twinkle in your eyes when you ask us: do you feel successful?
Vidya: The definition of success has changed over time. Now it’s become more than big goals. It’s about moments that bring me joy
You both have done biopics of Harshad Mehta and Silk Smitha. What is the approach? Kitna andar se mila, kitna bahar se mila, ya sabkuch bahar se tha internalise kiya (How much did you absorb from the outside and what did you internalise)?
Pratik: Zyada tar toh bahar say hi milta hai. Par jab ham karlete hai tab uske kuch residue reh jate hai… Jitne characters ham karte hai, kuch na kuch hamare andar chut hi jata hai (A lot is from the outside. But when the work is done, some residue of the character stays with us). And that actually makes us better human beings, that makes us sympathise more with society and the people we meet. For me, creating a character has always been a spiritual journey because I have to let myself be available for that magic to happen.
Vidya: I think I found a lot of Silk in me. She just needed to be unleashed, honestly. But Silk also liberated me to a great extent. She made me so comfortable in my skin. And I’ll always love Dirty Picture for that.
