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Journalism of Courage
A couple of months after completing her engineering degree in 2018, Chennai-based Prithvi tied the knot. She was 22 at the time. A year later, she gave birth to her daughter. Suddenly, Prithvi found herself out of her depth. On one hand, she wanted to raise her daughter with a set of rules different from her own traditional upbringing. On the other, was her search for balance that would allow her to carry on with her professional career while raising her daughter.
“When my daughter was 11 months old, she started to throw tantrums,” says Prithvi, now 26. They revolved mostly around things she wanted — toys or chocolates; sometimes, it would be a knife or a peeler, both dangerous for her. Initially, Prithvi could manage to distract her but once she turned 18 months old, the situation worsened. “At times, she would want to step out to a park, and although it is a good thing, it wasn’t always feasible to do it in that very instant,” she recalls. A denial always resulted in a crying fit, ultimately making Prithvi give in to some of the demands at least. But it had begun to bother her. “I would yell at her. I hate thinking about that time, and I am sorry about how I behaved but that’s what I did. It would make her cry again and that would irritate me further,” she recalls.
Like Prithvi, Mumbai-based Shilpa, 33, a government official, was struggling to balance motherhood with a full-time job. There were days when she would be exhausted by the time she reached home after finishing an eight-hour shift and a commute of anywhere between three to four hours. “But my 20-month-old daughter who hasn’t seen me for about 12 hours is excited to have me back. She expects me to match up to her energy level. I try my best but there have been times when I have ended up scolding her, only to be consumed by guilt afterwards. It takes a lot of patience and conscious effort to tell myself to be patient and also to go easy on myself because I, too, am human,” she says.
While every mother finds different ways to cope with the changes, Prithvi decided to seek help. She reached out to a parenting coach she had been following on Instagram and signed up for two of her workshops on calm parenting and boundary setting. “In these workshops, I learnt that we must regulate our emotions before handling a child’s tantrum. Now, I don’t give in to my daughter’s tantrums any more. I empathise with her and tell her that I understand that she wants chocolate but it is not healthy for her. If she cries, I tell her that I understand her feelings but I don’t give in,” she says. Her experience with the parenting coach was so motivating that Prithvi decided to pursue a two-month course to become a parenting coach herself.
Alongside, she did a year-long diploma course from the International Montessori Teacher Training Institute, which certified her as an early childhood educator last year. She is now pursuing an MA in Psychology from The Indira Gandhi National Open University.
Like Prithvi, thousands of parents are knocking on the doors of parenting coaches — a new genre of advisory professionals who are guiding parents to navigate the journey of raising children — both online and offline. Unlike psychologists,who have earned an undergraduate degree in psychology and followed it up with a master, and sometimes a doctorate in psychology, and psychiatrists, who have studied MBBS and followed it up with MD in psychiatry, enabling them to work as counsellors and therapists, one doesn’t require a degree to become a parenting coach. “There is no federation yet governing this space,” says Ludhiana-based parenting coach Ishinna B Sadana, “A parenting coach only guides parents in helping them deal with various situations that they face as parents. We don’t work with children. We can’t take therapy sessions or deal with any kind of clinical situations such as anxiety, depression or past trauma. In case we sense that parents or children are battling a clinical situation, we suggest that they consult a psychiatrist or psychologist,” she says.
Sadana began her career as a teacher trainer, pursued research on human development and child education for her PhD and became a parenting coach about four years ago.
“Earlier people were apprehensive of a baharwala (an outsider) coming into their homes and teaching them how to raise their children, but new parents have come a long way from that school of thought,” says Sadana, who has 8.6 lakh followers on Instagram. Her schedule involves taking one group workshop a week for parents, about two one-on-one sessions daily and a two-month parenting coach programme that involves three to four classes a week, each of about two to three hours.
But what is it that so many parents are asking? Most coaches say that those knocking on their doors are either parents of children aged between three and five or those with teenagers. The latter isn’t a new category — a large section of counselling and therapy is geared towards helping teenagers ease into adolescence. However, the COVID-19 pandemic has precipitated the crisis, showing up the inadequacy of traditional methods in meeting the demands of modern living.
Highlighting that we are looking at a “sandwich generation”, Mumbai-based parenting coach Mansi Zaveri, who founded the platform Kidsstoppress.com that sees a digital reach of 1.5 crore per month, shares that the reason a lot of parents are seeking out parenting coaches is because of a conflict between how they should parent vs how their parents did it. “Unlike our parents who had only their immediate circle to fall back upon, we have information on global parenting trends at our fingertips,” says Zaveri.
Shilpa agrees “Pehle bachche bade ho rahe the, ab baccho ko bada kia ja raha hai (Earlier children were growing up and now we are consciously raising them). Perhaps we are trying to give them an environment and a childhood that we were deprived of. Our parents had struggles of a different kind,” she says.
It is perhaps in their search for middle ground that a lot of parents are turning to it as a profession. Surat-based neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) practitioner Ambica Agarwal decided to pursue this branch of applied psychology to ensure that her child has a childhood different from hers. “I was physically abused and beaten by my teachers. But when I communicated it to my parents, they chose not to believe me, their own child,” says Agarwal, adding that her parents, like many of that generation, had only two responses to most situations — either they didn’t react or they would hold her accountable. NLP, says the mother of a seven-year-old, helped her resolve many of her doubts, which she now shares with others.
Courtesy social media, the floodgates of information have opened. While the access to information is excellent, it has also led to a clash of ideologies — breastfed vs formula fed, self-weaving vs baby-led weaning, to use walkers or not, etc. Mohali-based paediatrician Dr Madhavi Bharadwaj asks parents to keep things simple when it comes to information on social media. “Parenting is all about trial and error. Everyone’s experience is different. On Instagram, anyone who has a child is calling themselves a parenting coach. I am a paediatrician and have a five-year-old but I don’t think I have enough experience to call myself one,” she says, adding that, as with all information, it is important to know its source and its credibility. “It is perfectly fine for two paediatricians to have different opinions on the same issue. But it is important to note that your doctors will be attuned to the needs of their patients,” she says.
Gurugram-based Paridhi Negi, mother to a 14 months-old daughter and expecting her second child, says she’s learnt to filter the information to suit her needs. “You have to be in sync with the realities of your life. It is not realistic to expect your environment to change suddenly now that there is a baby,” she says.
They say it takes a village to raise a child. But what if the rules of parenting have changed, how do you convince those around you to adopt them? Negi was particular about offering a positive environment to her child — clean language and no speaking ill of anyone in their presence, among her rules. While she and her husband have largely been following these, there have been exceptions. “Once I overheard a member of the house talking about me in a negative manner while playing with my daughter. I took my daughter away and spoke to my husband to make sure that such a situation doesn’t arise again,” she says, adding that such stands are not always easy.
Shilpa and her husband Priyank Patil have an unspoken rule — they both talk to their respective families about their parenting dos and don’ts. It also helps that Patil is equally invested in the parenting process. He says he is open to suggestions but incorporates them only if he finds them logical and feasible for his child. He also discourages any comparison when it comes to his daughter. “It happens often quite organically in the extended family. I consciously change the topic,” he says.
The question about in-laws and the clash in parenting styles is one that comes very often to parenting coaches. It has led to many of them crafting a separate workshop to deal with its challenges. “Grandparents will spoil the child, it is a universal behaviour. And, when you don’t connect with the child while correcting them, you risk becoming a bad cop. So focus on the things that you can control over things that you can’t. Try to empathise with both grandparents and your children. Discuss boundaries in exactly the same way with both but without blame or shame. Every grandparent wants the best for their grandchildren. Acknowledge it and then discuss your concerns,” says Agarwal.
Hyderabad-based paediatrician Dr Pradeep Rathod encourages parents to bring grandparents along to his clinic so that they can be apprised of ways to address contemporary concerns such as what to feed and how long to allow screen time for the optimal development of children. “I am yet to see a grandparent who wouldn’t understand or discourage it,” he says.
Parents agree that involving grandparents helps. Mumbai-based Gunjan Arora, 37, a mother and parenting coach, did the same when her in-laws offered gripe water — an over-the-counter liquid of sodium bicarbonate and herbs, earlier advised for relief from gas, colic, etc. — as a solution for her newborn’s inconsolable cries through the night. “But I had done my research and knew that it carries alcohol and is not safe. So I told them that I understand their school of thought but I would like to consult my doctor. When the doctor confirmed my fears, I conveyed it to them and they understood,” she says.
