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Journalism of Courage
“One winter, I kept insisting they (the children) wear sweaters and was met with endless resistance. Finally, I let it be. Within minutes of stepping out, they were cold and reached for the sweaters themselves. That day I realised that one real experience was worth ten lectures,” said Gayatri Sethi Jain, a 34-year-old mother, in a conversation with indianexpress.com. This moment marked her shift from endless explanations to letting consequences do the teaching.
She had, unknowingly, tapped into what the internet now calls ‘FAFO parenting’, short for ‘F*** Around and Find Out’. The approach is gaining traction online among parents exhausted by constant negotiations and ready to let natural repercussions do the teaching.
It operates on a deceptively simple principle: parents can ask and warn, but if a child breaks the rules, mom and dad aren’t standing in the way of what follows.
The rise of FAFO comes in response to the challenges of gentle parenting. “Gentle parenting became very popular, but many parents are finding it difficult to make it work in real life,” explained Jitendra Karsan, chairman of Safari Kid. “It’s great in theory, but some feel it leaves kids without clear boundaries.”
Jain experienced this: “Gentle parenting alone left me drained and my kids unprepared.” Over time, she found balance in blending gentle guidance with natural consequences. “It respects their intelligence, teaches accountability, and prepares them for real-world systems where not everything comes with a warning.”
Concurring, Karsan stated: “FAFO parenting can frustrate children, but it quickly teaches them cause and effect. Done thoughtfully, it builds resilience and decision-making. Done harshly, it risks denting confidence or fuelling rebellion.”
FAFO also aligns with developmental psychology. Rajvi Turakhia, a counselling psychologist, said: “Jean Piaget spoke of how children construct knowledge through active exploration, while Lev Vygotsky emphasised ‘scaffolding’—offering just enough support, but letting the child climb on their own.”
But, she stressed, “FAFO is not about neglect, it is about trust. It says, ‘I believe in you enough to let you try, even if you fall a little.’ What matters is the parental response. Meeting failure with shame breeds fear; meeting it with warmth builds responsibility without rupture.”
For Shweta Sharma Bhardwaj, a single mother, the approach proved practical. “Time and energy are limited. If children experience the consequences of their actions, they learn faster,” she said. Her example: “My son often delays meals while playing. One day, I stopped reminding him. When his food went cold, he realised cold food doesn’t taste as good. Gradually, he started eating on time.”
Similarly, working mother Chetna Israni follows what she calls the “75-25 rule”: “About 75 per cent of parenting is conscious—gentle guidance and communication. The remaining 25 per cent is about letting consequences play out. If my teen prepares last-minute for a test, I don’t rescue her. A lower score is her lesson.”
In India, where protecting children often equates to love, FAFO can feel counterintuitive. Yet Turakhia points to cultural parallels: “‘Jaisi karni, waisi bharni’ (as you sow, so shall you reap).”
Parenting coach Jayati Agarwal called FAFO a modernised form of this wisdom. “It’s time to break generational patterns where obedience comes at the cost of individuality. Respect should flow both ways, and children deserve to be respected for their choices.”
She also said, “Children raised with FAFO may appear outspoken or independent, unsettling elders who equate compliance with respect. But these kids are better prepared for the future.”
Mental health experts offered nuanced views and shared challenges one might overlook. Gauri Joshi, founder of The Soul School Mental Health, warns about implementation pitfalls, “In cases of avoidant parents adopting this approach, they may steer clear of responsibility or taunt the child if something goes wrong. This will lead to the child hiding truths to protect themselves from hurt or shame.”
The key lies in emotional availability, she said, adding that having children take some stake in their own upbringing, while being understanding at the core, is what is “the right balance between gentle and FAFO parenting.”
Parenting coach Agarwal highlighted a crucial distinction. “Parents must remember that consequence is not equal to punishment, else it can collapse back into authoritarianism. Rather, it should be used as an opportunity to learn important life skills such as self-awareness, accountability, learning from mistakes, and accepting failure,” she said.
Karsan, however, shared some practical limitations: “Not everything can be left to consequences; for example, you wouldn’t let your child play with an electric socket just to ‘learn the consequence.’ FAFO needs to be age-appropriate because as children grow, their appetite for risk increases, and not all risks are worth taking.”
Most parents and experts find themselves gravitating towards a middle path. Pallavee Dhaundiyal Panthry, mother of two teens, explained: “Gentle parenting nurtures emotional security, while FAFO prepares children for the rigour of life. Both empathy and resilience are needed.”
Her own example: “When my elder one slacked on studies, instead of nagging, I told him, ‘I trust your sincerity.’ When his results didn’t match, I encouraged him to self-reflect and improve.”
Agarwal noted that children raised with balanced FAFO often show stronger problem-solving skills and resilience. Turakhia used a gardening metaphor, saying, “Parenting is like gardening. Too much water (over-explaining) drowns roots; too little (absence) leaves them dry. The right balance helps them reach for the light on their own.”
The consensus is that FAFO is effective when rooted in learning, not in proving children wrong. “The key is not to weaponise it with ‘I told you so’ moments,” Agarwal said, adding, “FAFO is about learning, not about shaming.”
For parents exhausted by endless explanations yet uncomfortable with authoritarian control, FAFO offers a third way. “My first thought is that this approach is not about harshness but about realism. In India, where family and community bonds are strong, children do need to learn that actions have consequences. Shielding them too much weakens resilience. That said, compassion must always remain central- consequences should teach, not crush a child’s spirit. Children should always feel they are loved, even when being corrected,” said Panthry.
