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Journalism of Courage
When AR Rahman and Saira Banu announced their separation after 29 years of marriage, the spotlight turned not just on them but also on their children, Raheema, Khatija, and AR Ameen. In an Instagram post, Ameen, 21, requested privacy, depicting an often overlooked reality: the impact of parental separation on adults.
Divorce may come as a shock at any age, but for adults, it’s not just about coming to terms with the loss of a family structure—it often entails rethinking deeply rooted identities and redefining relationships. As 2024 closes, this reflection on stories of adults navigating parental divorce offers lessons in resilience, healing, and the complexity of human relationships.
When Khan’s parents divorced during her 12th exams, it sent her into a spiral of rebellion and self-harm. “Divorce is often the best outcome in a bad situation, but you won’t come out unscathed,” she said. “I remember my 10th-grade boards when my parents first mentioned separating. My world collapsed. I couldn’t concentrate and failed almost all my exams.”
Despite her struggles, her parents came together to support her recovery. Yet, the aftermath left her emotionally avoidant. “Even now, I can’t have conversations about my feelings. I’m 31 and still scared of being vulnerable, which hurts my relationships,” she said.
Hazarika witnessed her parents’ separation at 17, and it triggered a downward spiral. “My grades tanked—I failed my board exams and the CPT entrance twice. I developed severe eating disorders and spent years blaming myself for their breakup. I thought if I’d been better, they’d have stayed together,” she said.
Low self-esteem made her susceptible to toxic relationships. “I clung to anyone who showed affection, even when it was unhealthy.” Her belief that relationships are inherently difficult came from her parents’ failure to stay together.
Her experiences have left her with relationship anxiety, even in a stable marriage. “It’s a daily battle to not let the past overshadow my present, but I’ve learned that healing is a choice I must actively make.”
When Kumar’s parents separated at 19, he initially welcomed it as a long-overdue decision. “I thought, ‘Finally, I’ll have one parent who isn’t constantly stressed or angry.’ But understanding their reasons was hard—It felt like they were abandoning everything we’d built as a family,” he said.
The divorce brought a shift in his family dynamics. “My mom and I were close before because I felt the need to protect her. Therapy taught me she doesn’t need saving; she’s her own person.”
On the other hand, his bond with his father improved. “He sought therapy and became more supportive. But when he gets angry, I still feel like a scared kid walking on eggshells,” he said.
For Kumar, healing has been about redefining family on his terms. “It’s an ongoing process, but I’m learning to accept them—and myself—as imperfect people,” he said.
While the collateral damage of divorce often leaves adults with fractured parental relationships, healing is possible, said Ambika Chawla, clinical psychologist at Lissun–a mental health startup.
She outlined strategies to cope for adults navigating parental divorce:
Chawla pointed out that reconciliation with divorced parents may not always be possible. “In some cases, acceptance and setting boundaries are the healthiest outcomes,” she said. But where reconciliation is possible, it requires patience, understanding, and a willingness to see them as individuals rather than infallible figures.
By focusing on their own healing and emotional well-being, adult children can break the cycle of trauma, ensuring healthier dynamics for future generations.
