Matters of the Mind: Do middle-class couples show more empathy than the rich?

I have almost never had a partner call me from an affluent family, concerned about the mental or emotional health of the spouse. These calls are made by the patient (or affected person) often adding that the spouse believes there is no need for him/her to be involved unless I feel otherwise. There is an expectation for the one vulnerable to be able to see themselves through challenges as the spouse is busy, has bigger responsibilities, every required convenience is well-afforded and provided for (read car, driver, fees, detox holidays, etc.). And the one-off call I insist on with a family member reveals that because there is all this to be grateful for, most often the suffering of the person is mostly a fragment of fantasy, a weak personality, a disability or a poor habit.

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A good observation must be factual, accurate and sufficiently detailed. So here it is.

A few days ago, I had a call from a husband wishing to book an appointment for his wife who had lost a parent to Covid-19. The man spoke with great concern and detail regarding her symptoms, difficulties and confidently reported her history. He described with great empathy her crying spells, panic attacks, sleepless nights, and inability to cope with the loss. He spoke of her strengths as the lady of the house, a mother, a wife, reported meaningfully what he believed were her weaknesses and his despair in seeing her suffer. He spoke of their middle-class life and habits, his humble business and that he would do whatever it took to help her overcome this.

This has not been the first for me of such concerned calls from motivated husbands or wives for the sake of the health of their partner, but somehow these gorgeous lovers usually come from the middle of the financial vertical. They take the appointments, book follow-up sessions, pay in advance so the spouse will not cancel and often accompany them for appointments in case I can spare a few minutes to update them on progress.

I have hardly ever experienced this involvement amongst wealthier couples. At the upper end of the spectrum of abundance and prosperity, the vulnerable, the pained, the patient usually comes alone. He or she calls hesitantly seeking appointments, books and cancels, struggles alone to stay resilient and travel the distance towards strength and recovery. You may view this as a huge generalisation, but I repeat, I am just narrating my field notes.

Igor Grossmann, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Waterloo, says that “wise reasoning” is compromised in wealthier couples. (Photo: Pixabay/Representational)

I decided to dig up the reasons for this.

What could it be? Could the excuses or rationalisations offered for missing busy spouses be genuine, or is there a disconnect? Can rigidity, lack of empathy and insensitivity be the reasons that flow in with the money? Does affluence excuse a sense of entitlement or arrogance for treating others in this case, close and loved ones in a certain way? Does being in a prosperous and providing family suffice and successfully replace an engaged partner?

I found some interesting research. Based on his studies, Igor Grossmann, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Waterloo, says that “wise reasoning” is compromised in wealthier couples. Wise reasoning is not just knowledge, it is “more about how to manage knowledge and how to figure out a solution”. Grossman adds that ultimately, “it’s a collection of strategies that help you deal with uncertain situations in contrast to situations that are well-defined” and includes open-mindedness, intellectual humility, flexibility and empathy.

Across two in-depth studies, Grossman and his team concluded that upper-class folks are “associated with a lower propensity of reasoning wisely in interpersonal situations”. In other words, rich people are less likely than poorer people to exhibit flexibility, empathy and all the other traits that make up a wise reason when it comes to relationships.

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To quote Friedrich Nietzsche, “Thus the man who is responsive to artistic stimuli reacts to the reality of dreams as does the philosopher to the reality of existence; he observes closely, and he enjoys his observation: for it is out of these images that he interprets life, out of these processes that he trains himself for life.”

I understand that one study is not enough, neither is one article, and this can be debated and disputed, but the point of this observation is for us to start reflecting on what needs attention, what gets lost as society scrambles to reach the top of this status and the financial beanstalk. What gets left behind.

The principle hope here is for couples from all strata to reflect on their strengths and growth areas, not to exclaim that one is better than the other.

Knowledge and acceptance along with the resolve to make relationships better, to invest time in loved ones, in health and in sickness as promised, to learn from observing oneself and others, and even if you are missing the cut off for exclusive members-only clubs of the elite, know that you have something far more precious, is all I am aiming for.