‘Aur woh palla sar se utar nahi sakta’: Bhagyashree on being told to wear a saree at 13, sibling dynamics, and impact of her father’s strict parenting

When the host said she comes from a royal family, Bhagyashree questioned, “But 13 years old? I was like, ‘Oh my God, aur woh palla sar se utar nahi sakta… bilkul nahi.” She also reflected on her bond with her sisters, saying, “They would gang up against me. I think the only time we enjoyed was mummy-papa jaldi bolte the sone ko toh raat ko hum alarm lagate the 12 baje, and we used to have a midnight feast (sic).”

These memories highlight a parenting dynamic that may feel relatable to many who grew up in households with unequal expectations based on gender or age. Such rules and restrictions can shape a child’s personality and outlook in profound ways. 

On Bhagyashree being told to wear a saree when she was 13

Sonal Khangarot, licensed rehabilitation counsellor and psychotherapist, The Answer Room, tells indianexpress.com, “Adolescence is a critical time for self-discovery, where a child begins to understand their likes and dislikes, and personal style. When clothing is imposed as a symbol of modesty or control, as in Bhagyashree’s case, it can lead to disconnection from the sense of self.” 

A 13-year-old made to dress as an adult skips the natural process of exploring their identity, she stresses. “This can lead to internalizing guilt or shame about their body, self-consciousness in social situations, and difficulty in making independent choices later in life. While working with clients who have struggled with similar restrictions, it is seen that there is a struggle with self-acceptance, often leading to questioning if they are too much or too little in their expression.”

Effects of unequal levels of freedom among siblings 

Bhagyashree mentioned that while she had to face restrictions, her younger sister enjoyed complete freedom. Khangarot reflects, “This can lead to fractured sibling relationships, sometimes manifesting as withdrawal, competition, or passive aggression. The child with more restrictions may grow up feeling unseen and unvalued, often overcompensating in adulthood by becoming a perfectionist or overly self-reliant. On the flip side, siblings who receive greater freedom may feel guilt or become indifferent to the struggles of the sibling raised with stricter rules.”

Ways for individuals who experienced overly strict parenting to unlearn patterns of fear or self-doubt

Healing from strict parents would require self-awareness and intentional unlearning. Here’s what Khangarot recommends:

• Re-parent yourself: Acknowledge that the child within you still seeks approval and safety. Give yourself the permission your parents didn’t.
• Set boundaries: If parental control persists into adulthood, establish clear boundaries to protect your mental space.
• Therapeutic work: Address past wounds through therapy to help break deep-seated patterns of self-doubt and guilt.

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