From Orkut to Instagram, how the Internet is changing the way we make and maintain friendships

The Internet was a close-knit online world where communities buzzed around shared interests like your obscure movie obsessions or your fixation with the newest boyband on the block, and poking your friends was a daily ritual.

Anindita Basu Roy Bhasin, a 33-year-old educational consultant and content writer from New Delhi, reminisces about the time, having made many pen pals in these spaces, over the years. “In 2012, I accepted a random friend request from a fellow quiz enthusiast based in Kolkata. Our shared interest blossomed into a strong friendship, though a physical meeting only happened in 2021 on my wedding shopping trip to Kolkata,” she said. It was a simpler time, a social media experience built on authentic connections.

In the world of streaks and reels, where solar systems (Snapchat’s newest feature designating planet order to friends) and ‘mutuals’ reign supreme, how have friendships changed? Is it a quagmire of pretend or an ocean of truth? And how is it different for all the generations existing on the axis of social media?

‘Being on Twitter felt less isolating’

Gone are the days of flipping through phonebooks or relying on chance encounters. Today, we cultivate connections across the globe with a swipe, a click, or a carefully crafted post. Gen Z has been at the forefront of this change, having grown up with the Internet. But social media platforms aren’t just for keeping up with existing friends; they’re also the bedrock to form new friends through the lava of shared interests.

Sakshi Singh’s Facebook friend list was as tall as the Qutub Minar back in 2016. “It was the era of Facebook friend requests and we had no qualms about adding people we didn’t necessarily know.” The 24-year-old even met her boyfriend on the app, and they’ve been together ever since.

For 22-year-old Anjali Chandak, her friendships might as well be “reelationships,” as it is about sharing content that resonates with all of us. “What I love about it is the freedom from the expectation of immediate responses. It’s about sharing laughs and moments without the pressure of reciprocation.”

This is especially true for older generations, for whom social media becomes a tool to maintain existing connections rather than forge entirely new ones. “Whether it’s conveying congratulations or expressing emotions, engaging with memes is a regular part of staying connected for us. Whether in Mumbai or Massachusetts, a meme bridges the distance effortlessly,” 39-year-old Karthik Iyer said.

Sadiya Khan agreed, saying that now it’s all about snatching a minute or two to send a meme between meetings or while travelling. “It has become the new emotional currency. Instead of trying to explain what’s actually going on in our lives, we can just share these reels, which honestly, at times, so appropriately describe your current situations. It’s like we’re fluent in this new language of internet, where a GIF or a meme can say more than a thousand words. The thread of our relationships these days is woven through all those little digital breadcrumbs we leave for each other on IG chats or by tagging each other on comments.”

A screenshot from Instagram

These ‘reelationships’ are not just limited to your friend circles, but even blanketing the workforce. A 30-year-old millennial Anindya Avvayyam Rattan connects with her Gen Z coworkers through memes and reels. “This helps break down the rigidity and hierarchy in a corporate structure.”

The pandemic was a major accelerant for these friendship trends. With social distancing and lockdowns, online spaces became even more crucial for maintaining and building friendships. Sahira Rehman said that the pandemic made it easier to make friends on social media who were outside of her physical social bubble — mutuals as they are now called — during the pandemic. “Being on Twitter felt less isolating. It was nice to get to know people who I wouldn’t necessarily have been friends with in real life,” confessed the introverted 26-year-old.

Stuck back home in Hyderabad during the pandemic, Rahul Aripaka also met a lot of his now close friends on Twitter during the pandemic. “Making friends is just, by default, hard to do once you’re out of an educational setting but being active on social media has made it easier to befriend people,” the 27-year-old said.

The power of the ‘mutuals’ have made it so that many like 29-year-old Jyotshna Senapati find their new-found homes in stranger cities through them. And when it comes to finding your tribe in said cities, apps like Bumble BFF meant to forge new friendships may come in handy.

Though, not always as 27-year-old Sejal found it hard to make friends in Gurgaon, having moved there for a job. “People do not take it (these apps) seriously. Most of the people are just trying it out and hence they don’t put a lot of effort in building connections.” Many are also held back by the prospect of being cat-fished.

Despite the digital influence, Gen Z still prioritises authenticity in friendships. It’s a careful song and dance, whose steps if you don’t know, will leave you watching on the sidelines like a peeping Tom.

24-year-old Anamm Inamdar revealed her strategy “Talking randomly to a complete stranger out of nowhere feels weird. Even when I get a hi, I don’t text back. But then, if I find the person decent online and want to start a conversation, I just reply to their stories. And not any stories, not heart emojis or ‘looking cute or pretty’, I reply to a story which is worth conversing on. Maybe a song story, as then we can also exchange a song like that.”

A poster of the movie ‘Mujhse Fraaandship Karoge’

Can this phenomenon be problematic, especially for Gen Z and Gen Alpha?

Social media may have revolutionised how we connect, however, Rujuta Shah, psychologist, Mpower, Aditya Birla Education Trust, warned that there’s a flipside to this convenience.

Gen Z, being digital natives, might experience a higher intensity of social media use, leading to anxiety, depression, and loneliness. “Younger generations are more under pressure to build an idealised versions of themselves. Look perfect, have the perfect bodies, perfect face,” said sociologist Pranay Aggarwal.

The curated perfection portrayed online can fuel feelings of inadequacy and low self-worth, added Shah, saying the anonymity of social media can embolden bullies, harming a young person’s emotional well-being.

Aggarwal, who coaches young IAS aspirants, showed concern that social media algorithms can create echo chambers where users are exposed only to information that confirms their existing beliefs. This can lead to polarisation and the spread of misinformation.

In a 2023 paper published in the Journal of Marketing Research, Dr Ying Xie, a researcher at The University of Texas at Dallas discovered that birds of the same feathers do flock together in the online world, further solidifying Aggarwal’s warnings.

Online friendships can sometimes lack depth and intimacy, failing to fulfill emotional needs. A 2006 study published in the American Sociological Review paints a concerning picture: People seem to have fewer and less meaningful friendships compared to the past. The research suggests a decline from an average of four close friends per person to just two, with a quarter of the population having none at all.

Birds of the same feathers do flock together in the online world, too. (Express file photo)

This trend seems particularly puzzling in the age of social media. We readily share personal details on platforms like Facebook, seemingly broadcasting our lives to a vast audience. Dr Dhanya Chandran, clinical psychologist and professor, Clinical Psychology, Amrita Hospital, Kochi, saif that people can interact with like-minded individuals in virtual spaces, opening up opportunities for human connections across the globe. “Especially the younger generation has a wider understanding of different nationalities, cultures and social practices through social media, which allows for greater cognitive enrichment and intellectual explorations.”

But are these online connections genuine friendships, or a diluted form built on “likes” and superficial interactions?

Our brains might hold the key. Both human and primate studies suggest a natural limit to the size of our social circles. While apps like Instagram and Facebook make it easier to maintain a wider network of connections, it’s possible our brains simply aren’t wired to handle this overload.

Evolutionary psychologist and anthropologist Robin Dunbar proposed the “Dunbar’s number”, which suggests the limit for humans to maintain stable relationships is around 150 individuals. Social media allows us to surpass this limit, creating a deluge of social information that can be overwhelming, especially for teenagers who are particularly sensitive to social cues and peer interactions.

According to what writer Curtis Silver wrote in a 2012 piece for American magazine Wired, “In the modern definition of it, we can’t but help say that everyone that we interact with are friends. In truth, and I credit Linkedin with popularising this term, they are connections. They are our audience and we theirs.”

In essence, social media might be creating a paradox of friendship. We have more connections than ever before, but potentially fewer genuine, deep bonds. The question remains: are we truly building friendships, or simply collecting acquaintances in the vast online landscape?