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Journalism of Courage
In an interview recently, actor Dalljiet Kaur opened up about her marriage and divorce with Shalin Bhanot, shedding light on how deeply family dynamics can shape the course of a relationship.
She shared that she was expected to adhere to the saying ‘ek chup sau sukh’ (silence leads to peace), which made her feel pressured to endure without voicing her concerns. “Meri jab shaadi hui mujhe yeh bola gaya mere sasural mein, ‘ek chup sau sukh’. Woh sirf yahi bol rahe hain beta jo karega chup chap sehte raho. Humare saath hua, tumhare saath bhi ho raha hai, it’s okay, big deal,” she told Hauterrfly.
She continued, “Bada kuch galat hota tha… dinn raat and I used to be like, ‘nahi koi baat nahi shayad yeh hi shaadi hoti hai… isi ko bolte hain compromise.” Whenever she would approach her in-laws after her husband did something wrong, Kaur mentioned that they would not react or do anything about it, which would in turn encourage such behaviour. “Aapne unko indirectly nahi, bahut directly aapne unko hathiyar aur de diye kyuki woh aur galat karte rahe,” she said.
The emotional strain eventually took a toll, leading to complications during her pregnancy and the premature birth of her child. “I think I delivered (the baby), is the day I don’t know what changed.” When her parents came over for her baby shower, she recalled that they noticed a lot of questionable things as well. “I was seven months… premature baby hua mera uss stress ke wajah se.”
Her story highlights the complex role family can play in a marriage, acting as either a pillar of support or a source of toxicity.
Akhil Tharakan, family therapist at Cadabams Hospitals, tells indianexpress.com, “Key signs include frequent interference in decision-making, where family members offer unsolicited advice on major life matters, creating tension between spouses. Feeling unsupported by a spouse who prioritises their family’s opinions over the marital relationship can lead to neglect and invalidation. Recurring conflicts about family values or obligations, loss of privacy due to a lack of boundaries, and emotional manipulation through guilt-tripping or blackmail are also red flags.”
Establishing boundaries with family members is essential for nurturing a strong marital relationship. Here are practical strategies suggested by Tharakan:
Communicate as a team: Both partners should agree on boundaries and present a united front when discussing them with family members. This shows that decisions are mutual and strengthens the marital bond.
Define clear limits: Specify what is acceptable and what is not, such as unannounced visits, advice on parenting, or financial interference. Being specific helps prevent misunderstandings.
Use assertive communication: Politely but firmly express your needs. For example, say, “We value your input, but we’ve decided to handle this ourselves,” to maintain respect while reinforcing boundaries.
Prioritise your spouse: Demonstrate through actions that your spouse comes first. This helps solidify trust and reassurance in the relationship.
Seek support if needed: If family resistance persists, consider seeking guidance from a therapist or counsellor who can mediate and offer solutions tailored to your unique situation.
