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Journalism of Courage
Over the years, Anuradha Premnath, a mother and principal, Orchids International School, saw things falling apart between her daughter and herself. “She would go on a hunger strike, lock herself up in a room, and not speak to me for days at a stretch. At times, she even behaved hysterically, with loud yelling,” she said, further sharing that her daughter’s behaviour made her feel like she had “failed as a mother”, which further “brought a ton of guilt and shame”. Despite feeling so, Premnath decided to counsel her child and help her overcome such “rebellious behaviour” at home with help from YouTube videos, reading books, and Google. But when none of these yielded positive results, she turned to a behavioural counsellor who had an informal interaction with her kid to gave her insight into her point of view, and things started to change for the better.
However, it is not just Premnath who struggled to better connect with her child and understand her perspective. Rachel J Amirtharaj, a fashion designer, has also felt her children being unruly and dismissive of her. “As a mother of three, I have seen my children rebelling against the rules set for them, being disrespectful, yelling, and not keeping their room clean,” she told indianexpress.com. But, instead of viewing this as rebellion, what helped Amirtharaj deal with the situation was seeing her children’s behaviour as a “way of them asserting themselves and establishing their individuality.”
As such, what is the best way for parents to connect with their children in a mutual way, where neither the parent nor the child feels sidelined and their thoughts and points of views do not clash with each other?
Swati Mahajan, a parenting coach and psychologist, stresses that she deferred from calling a child “rebellious” simply because it is a stage they go through and not a constant quality. “Children seem rebellious when they want their own independence, and desire control, especially when they’re exploring their identities. However, as a parent or caregiver it becomes our responsibility to help them navigate through these stages so that this rebellion does not turn into a mean character trait later,” she said.
Agreeing, Aanchal Narang, a counselling psychologist, called the ‘rebel phase’ in children, especially in teenagers, a “myth”, adding that children only rebel to communicate things they can’t through words. Mentioning the ‘Theory of Psychosocial Development’ by Erik Erikson, she added that in different stages of development, children go through different conflicts; “in early childhood (2-3 years old) their conflict is ‘Autonomy vs Doubt’ and in adolescence, it is ‘Identity vs Role Confusion’. Hence, at these ages, they are trying to establish their self-identity, personality, likes and dislikes. However, there is a growing assumption in Indian societies that disagreeing with parents is rebellion, which is false as exploring their own identity is important for children to become healthy mature adults,” she told indianexpress.com.
Experts point out that as a child grows up, they experience various emotional, intellectual and physical changes, which leads them to act out of impulse. So, as a parent, it is imperative to learn the root cause of the rebellion to prevent conflicts and endless battles.
Adding, Mahajan shared a simple way to understand the cause of rebellion, “Children are their own beings with separate thoughts and feelings. Just because parents have brought them into the world, it does not mean kids don’t have their own individuality. Thus, what becomes essential is to strike a balance between their demands and needs. To do this, parents need to validate the concerns of their children. Instead of blaming them for certain behaviours, they must say that they understand why they are upset and ask them what they can do to help,” she said, further suggesting that getting involved with your children’s interests is another way to find a common ground and better connect with them.
Sharing her experiences of trying something similar with her children, Amirtharaj said, “The first and foremost thing is to listen to them more. That’s when you know their interests and can be invited into their world. Like, my child likes to watch Naruto, an anime series, so I try to make time to watch and enjoy the show with them. This is the first step in building a strong bond with your children.” Similarly, Premnath makes an effort to meet her daughter’s friends and appreciate the things she likes, whether it is a new haircut or a “bizarre tattoo”.
Another thing that parents find themselves struggling with is too much disciplining their children or not at all. “There are two kinds of parents. The first set of parents sense a loss of control and become very strict and put a lot of rules and regulations, while the other set, to avoid conflict or to prevent their kids from pushing them away, let them get away with doing anything,” said Mahajan, adding that it is important to strike a balance between obedience and freedom.
Mahajan added that if we seek too much obedience from our children, they will miss developing problem-solving or leadership skills. On the other hand, a child given too much freedom will run amok and not know how to act in the outer world.
Priya Vasnani, Clinical Psychologist, Fortis Hospital, Bannerghatta Road, Bangalore, agreed and said, “Firstly, being in tune, and supportive of your child’s needs, reciprocity and warmth, and secondly, the disciplinary efforts, supervision and willingness to confront a disruptive child, should be done proportionately.” She added that this parenting style is known as authoritative parenting, and is a healthy and effective parenting technique, which helps validate children’s thoughts and feelings, and boost their self-reliance and build self-image.
However, experts point out that there might be certain underlying triggers causing certain rebellious behaviours, which parents must be mindful of. Listing them, Mahajan said that these include bullying, low self-esteem, peer pressure or seeking attention and approval. Concurring, Narang said, “For instance, if your child is getting bullied at school, they might not know how to communicate their emotions of sadness and anger. They would express this through rebellion since at a certain point, a parent could have dismissed their kid, making the child internalise the anger and feel unsafe to directly tell anything to the parents.”
For managing such a situation, Vasundharaa S Nair, Lecturer of Psychiatric Social Work, St John’s Medical College and Hospital, advised communicating with your child, both verbally and non-verbally. “It is important to check with them how their day was, understand what is happening in their lives, as well as give them space to share whatever they want– good or bad.”
The most valuable learning for parents is to not see parenthood as this glorified period where there are no fallouts between them and their children. “Parenting is rather complicated and there is no one-size-fits-all,” said Mahajan, adding that there are no set rules of what makes a good parent. Each child and parent relationship is unique and must not be compared with others. Sometimes, listening to your gut instinct is better than following a million things others recommend.
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