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Journalism of Courage
These days, an increasing number of couples are saying, “I love you, but I also love my own space.” In an era where personal space and independence are increasingly valued, the concept of ‘Living Apart Together’ (LAT) is gaining traction as a refreshing alternative to traditional cohabitation. Think of it like having the best of both worlds: the closeness of a real partnership but also a sanctuary where you can recharge and keep your routines. In essence, LAT involves committed or married couples maintaining separate homes while remaining romantically and emotionally connected.
While LAT is already well-established in the West to balance personal and shared lives, it presents an intriguing contrast in India, where cultural norms traditionally emphasise togetherness and cohabitation as essential to marriage. Despite this, some Indian couples are embracing the LAT lifestyle, challenging societal expectations and redefining what it means to be in a committed relationship.
To understand this growing trend, we spoke to real-life LAT couples in India who shared their experiences, the challenges they navigate, and the impact of living separately on their relationships.
For Avinash Deshmukh, 51, who has been in a LAT relationship for six years, the arrangement stemmed from past experiences. “We always knew we wouldn’t live together because of our previous marriages. The way we want to keep our homes, the guests we choose to invite, our tastes—everything is different. We had that understanding from the start,” he told indianexpress.com.
Similarly, Mansi Shah, 41, finds that living separately has strengthened her relationship. “The dynamics of our relationship have improved significantly. We both need a lot of space, and this arrangement has recreated that dynamic. We communicate better, are surprisingly more intimate, and are more engaged in each other’s lives,” she said.
One of the most significant advantages of LAT is the ability to maintain individual identities while nurturing a relationship. “Living apart has given us the space to explore our interests. He enjoys cycling and takes long trips, while I devote more time to reading. We’ve grown as individuals over the past three years,” Shah said.
For Smriti Sinha, 50, who reconciled with her partner after eight years of separation, LAT offers unique benefits. “It helps us understand that we can both manage our own lives. We offer advice to each other but don’t impose our opinions. There’s no ‘my way or the highway’ mindset,” she said.
Senior clinical psychologist Neha Parashar from Cadabams Hospitals said that LAT couples develop distinct conflict resolution patterns. “Conflict resolution differs significantly between LAT couples and cohabiting couples. In a shared living arrangement, conflicts often emerge spontaneously and require immediate resolution due to the constant proximity,” she said.
This take resonates with Sinha. “Physical space helps us step away and think more rationally. We are both headstrong, and when we lived together, arguments often ended in frustration or withdrawal. Now, we can argue freely, knowing we can take a break from the conversation and revisit it later with a clearer mind.”
Psychologist Raashi Gurnani, agreed. “LAT couples often have the luxury of space to process their feelings before discussing an issue, potentially leading to calmer and more thoughtful resolutions,” she said.
Parashar noted that couples who practice LAT often demonstrate unique relationship dynamics. “Research from The Journal of Marriage and Family suggests that LAT couples report higher relationship satisfaction due to the intentional effort they put into maintaining emotional intimacy. Communication becomes more deliberate, with couples often relying on scheduled interactions or quality time rather than routine exchanges.”
However, not all couples find LAT arrangements ideal for the long term. Koyel Shee, 37, who experienced long-distance marriage due to work commitments, ultimately chose to reunite with her husband. “We felt more stable when we lived together… the foundation of a fulfilling relationship lies in togetherness. Despite occasional disagreements and the inevitable challenges of balancing demanding careers and raising a young child, navigating life together brings us a profound sense of satisfaction,” she said.
In India, where marriage often comes with strong cultural expectations of cohabitation, LAT couples face scrutiny and criticism. According to Gurnani, LAT couples may experience a mix of liberation and stress. “While the freedom to craft their relationship on their terms boosts mental well-being, external pressures can sometimes create guilt or anxiety.”
“LAT couples must navigate judgement, familial disapproval, and societal scrutiny. However, many of these couples find strength in their unconventional choice, focusing on mutual happiness and redefining what a committed relationship looks like,” Gurnani said.
The success of LAT relationships depends on how couples balance independence and togetherness. “We have started respecting each other and each other’s choices, likes, dislikes, quirks, habits, rituals, and whatnot without compromising on our own. That is the biggest takeaway for us,” Deshmukh said.
For Shah, the arrangement has enriched their lives and their relationship. “That said, I think it was important that we lived together initially. It taught us how to navigate life in the same space, and that foundation made it easier to live separately now. We are both independent and don’t need constant updates about where the other person is. The time we spend apart has made us cherish the time we get together,” she said.
“Whether cohabiting or living apart, the health of a relationship ultimately depends on mutual respect, open dialogue, and a shared vision for the future. Understanding and adapting to the unique dynamics of such arrangements is key to fostering a fulfilling partnership,” Parashar said.
