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Journalism of Courage
Breakups can be profoundly challenging at any stage of life and the debilitating heartbreak that follows can take a long time to move on from.
While the circumstances and consequences of each breakup are different for every woman, it can particularly be challenging when they enter their 30s. Psychologists note that this grief is layered, combining the emotional pain of the breakup with anxiety about the future.
For women in their 30s, breakups can feel particularly devastating due to the intersection of biological, social, and personal timelines. “Women in their 30s often experience significant emotional distress following a breakup, characterised by feelings of sadness, loss, and existential crisis,” says Neha Cadabam, senior psychologist and executive director at Cadabam Hospitals.
Celebrity psychologist Raashi Gurnaani adds that, unlike younger individuals, women in this age group might have a clearer sense of what they want in life, which can make the loss of a relationship feel especially profound. “They may find themselves reevaluating their identity, career goals, and plans for the future.”
As a woman enters her 30s, there is often societal pressure to establish long-term relationships and start families.
Sanghamitra Chandra, a PR professional, shared that following her breakup, she felt that she “couldn’t tell anyone what I was going through.” She discloses that she had to hide her grief from her family, and saw “no light as there was only pain.”
“I was in a long-term relationship for 8 years, of which we were married for 4. When I ended the marriage, the people around me were supportive of my decision. However, my parents and some elders did make it clear that they hoped I would get married again and ‘settle down’,” shares Nitisha Prabhakar.
The grief from a breakup is not just about the end of a relationship, but can also trigger fears about running out of time for these milestones. Naomi, a public relations professional based in Chennai shares that while you are reeling under the pain of a break-up, there is a “certain kind of fear that creeps in”, coupled with a lot of loneliness that can initially drag you into a shell of self-doubt and feeling devalued.
Another factor is that amid the stress, you need to put in the effort of finding another person and beginning a conversation and getting to know them.”
Mental health and relationship expert Aashmeen Munjaal admits that women in their 30s often face societal pressure to settle down, marry, and start a family. “This can lead to feelings of urgency to find a new partner quickly after a breakup, rather than taking the time they may need to heal and reflect on what they truly want in a relationship.”
“There may be an underlying sense of urgency to find a new partner and keep one’s goals for marriage and children on track. However, it is crucial to resist internalising these expectations to the extent that they cloud your judgment or lead you to settle for incompatible partners out of fears of being ‘left behind’,” says Anuradha Gupta, Vows For Eternity.
Some individuals or communities, according to life coach Varinder Manchanda, might inadvertently hinder the grieving process by imposing unrealistic expectations or stigmatising the idea of moving on.
Re-entering the dating scene in their 30s presents unique challenges for women. Many women feel that their dating pool has shrunk, with many potential partners already in long-term relationships.
Concurring, Aanandita Vaghani, founder and mental health therapist, UnFix Your Feelings, says that a dwindling pool of potential partners also poses challenges as spontaneous connections “tend to diminish in this phase of life.”
Anshuma Sharma, author and assistant PR Manager, asserts that as women grow older, their standards naturally rise, making it harder to find someone who truly fits the bill. “There’s a newfound comfort in being alone, which can make opening up to someone new daunting. The desire for a meaningful relationship rather than just going with the flow adds another layer of complexity.”
For many women in their 30s, careers play a significant role in their identity and sense of independence. Aditi Gupta Bhatia, a counselling psychologist believes that a job can significantly aid recovery by providing a sense of purpose, financial stability, and self-worth, helping women to rebuild confidence and resilience after a breakup.
“Achieving goals at work can boost their confidence and make them feel more in control of their lives. Being financially independent also means they have the freedom to make decisions that are right for them without relying on someone else,” Gurnaani agrees.
A business development manager, 33, reflected on how her job helped her cope with her breakup. “Career was one thing that I was holding onto as I had no control over my breakup; my job was something that helped me regain that control and made me feel that I had power in my hands.”
Sharma says that she has always been clear about “where I want to go career-wise”, and that didn’t change even through the breakup. “Looking back to my early 20s, I might’ve let a few opportunities slide because of the relationship. But you live and learn.”
However, Cadabam stresses the importance of finding a balance between career ambitions and personal life. “Allocating time for self-care, social activities, and personal interests can promote overall well-being.”
Breakups in their 30s often lead women to re-evaluate their relationship priorities and outlooks. This period can be a time of significant personal growth, where women reassess what they want from a partner and a relationship.
“I know exactly what I want and how to balance my needs with my partner’s. One big lesson I’ve learned is that relationships take time and effort from both sides,” says Sharma.
Chandra feels that she is better off single. “Love yourself and remember that you are the star of your own life. Don’t let anyone rule over you.” She also realises the importance of compatibility in values and life goals over superficial attractions.
Going through heartbreak can lead to self-reflection, Gurnaani remarks, helping you understand your needs and boundaries better for future relationships. “You gain a more mature perspective on love and intimacy, realising the importance of communication and mutual respect.”
Women who are forced to start anew after a breakup in their 30s must contend with cultural expectations while balancing their independence and career aspirations. Once we acknowledge the voids left by a broken heart, Vaghani says, it becomes imperative to find ways to fill them.
“This might entail reaching out to friends and scheduling outings to remedy the absence of a reliable companion. Alternatively, it could involve focusing inward and nurturing oneself, embracing solitude and rediscovering personal passions,” she notes.
