Two Lives

His Shia father,Khursheed Anwar,who runs an NGO,and Pahari Brahmin mother Meenakshi Sundriyal,who teaches at Jawaharlal Nehru University,decided to keep religious labels off him. A second name would have identified our son with a particular religion and we both arent religious people, says Sundriyal,whose home has no religious symbols either.

But the absence of a surname has not always insulated Samar from prejudice. I was a 10-year-old Class V student,and the Kargil war was on. Since I had no second name,my classmates presumed that I was hiding my real identity. They thought I was lying about not having a surname,and that I was ashamed of my Muslim identity in the wake of the war and the jingoist frenzy around it, says Samar,whose classmates constant sniggers once reduced him to tears.

The language of prejudice is very much a part of the social life of the children of inter-religious marriages such as Samar. And that prejudice often begins at home,before it extends to the world outside. My grandmother took great exception to the fact that I was not circumcised,but my mother put her foot down, he says.

The prejudices start when a child hasnt even begun to understand what terms like religion or community mean. Six-year-old Sophie*,born to a Christian father and a Hindu mother,for example,was promptly told by another child in the neighbourhood park after the two had a fight: My mother had always told me not to play with a Christian. Sophie couldnt understand what that meant. A lot of people have problems with the fact that we eat beef, says her father,40-year-old Joseph Fernandes*,a research fellow at a Delhi-based institute. Sophies mother Naina* hears taunts from her colleagues at her Gurgaon office that her Christian daughter can easily get admission in missionary schools.

In a patriarchal society,a persons religious identity is often linked to that of his father. Thus,a Muslim or Christian fathers child (like Samar and Sophie respectively) often faces prejudices directed at these minority faiths,even though the mother may be Hindu. On the other hand,Mahir Rai,the four-year-old son of Manish Rai,a Hindu businessman,and Shabana Siddiqui,a Muslim psychologist,has never faced social bias. I think that is so because my husband is a Hindu,and among my in-laws and even in my neighbourhood,he is perceived as Manishs son,more than mine, says 32-year-old Siddiqui,who is called Priya by her in-laws,though she hasnt changed her name officially.

The couple named their son Mahir,as it has both Ram and Rahim in it. Their bedroom wall has two pictures one of Mecca and another of Hanuman. Mahir asks me about the Mecca picture. He also wonders what his naani does when she offers namaaz,and even imitates her, says Siddiqui. Mahirs daadi is acquainting him with the Ramayana and Hindu rituals,and he also goes to the temple with her. So,when he is exposed to two different sets of religious imagery,he gets confused. When he does something wrong,his daadi says Bhagwan will punish you,while I say Allah will punish you. All this befuddles him, says Siddiqui,who expects the queries to increase as he grows up. We will have to start talking to him about our different religions, she says.

Often,parents try to put to rest at once questions about the childs identity through the magic wand of religious conversion. Says Neshat Quaiser,professor,department of sociology,Jamia Millia Islamia University,In most cases,one of the spouses converts to the others religion in order to resolve the question of mixed identity of a child. Conversions are the norm,he adds,especially among lesser privileged sections of the society. Nobody would bother about the identities of the children of Shah Rukh Khan or Aamir Khan,who are married to Hindus. But in many cases,conversions are a solution to assuage hurt religious egos, he says.

While questions about identity can be confounding for children,as they grow up,they learn to handle them well. The confusion is more in the minds of the parents. The kids learn to handle their mixed identity as they grow up, says Asif Iqbal,founder of Dhanak,an organisation that has been providing support and counselling to inter-faith and inter-caste couples since 2004.

Gurinder Kaur*,daughter of a Bengali Hindu mother and a Sikh father,is identified as a Sikh by her name,though she is not religious. My name doesnt represent who I am. But it helps me to not explain who I am to strangers. Let them assume I am Sikh. But in my heart,I know that I am half-Bengali and I feel the need to share that part of me with my friends and those close to me, says the 37-year-old architect.

Like Samar,Henri Fanthome,an entrepreneur and architect in Delhi,also feels unique because of his dual identity. Its like a progressive detachment from a particular identity so that you have an identity which is unique, says Fanthome,whose mother,Deepawali Snehlata Sharma,is a Christian Bengali with roots in Lucknow; his late father,Francis Henri Fanthome,was a French,whose family had been in India for over 200 years. Like most other mixed family children,Fanthome celebrates all festivals,but then he feels a sense of isolation at times since there is no category that I really fit into. But the positive thing is that such an upbringing changes your way of looking at things since there is no particular cultural conditioning that you go through, says the 34-year-old.

Inter-religious progeny are indeed unique,says Samar. How many people have the advantage of witnessing a Muharram procession,which I did with my daadi in Allahabad,as well as reading the Ramayana and Mahabharata with my naani? he asks.

Nidhi Sinha

*These names have been changed