Lara Dutta on the secret to a happy marriage: ‘If anybody can tell me that, I will pay them handsomely’

Q. In all these, which role satisfies you the most –– creatively, professionally, and personally?

Lara Dutta: Personally, of course, nothing comes close to being a mother to Saira, my 12-year-old daughter. That is one of my greatest life learnings, and one of my life’s greatest joys. Professionally, I think being an actor today in my 40s is incredibly empowering, especially in the kind of roles that I’m offered today. They have much more substance than things I did in my 20s and 30s. Creatively, I think entrepreneurship gives me complete control over the product I bring to my consumers, and that has been extremely exciting and fulfilling.

Q. Over the years, you’ve taken fewer acting roles. Was this intentional? Or is it because of, perhaps, the roles offered to you?

Lara Dutta: I haven’t stepped back from acting but have been conscious and selective about my roles. The digital era has opened up incredible opportunities, allowing diverse talent and stories to thrive. I love that it’s brought more women to the forefront over anything else. You have incredible women writers, producers, heads of platforms today, directors, and in every way, in front of the camera, behind the camera, I’ve worked with all women crews. It’s exciting to play Vasudha Rao in Hiccups & Hookups, a 47-thing woman entering the dating world again. It’s incredible to play Manisha Sehgal in Ranneeti, an incredibly powerful role that invariably would have been played by a man on screen before. The fact that these roles are now being written for women and are being cast with interesting actors to play them, I think is one of the most exciting signs of my time.

Q. The Hindi film industry is often criticised for being ageist. Have you experienced it?

Lara Dutta: I’ve been fortunate to be part of the evolution in the entertainment space. It’s incredibly empowering. I always say that age has liberated me. It’s finally set free the actor that I’ve always wanted to be, and I’m able to do the kind of roles I always wanted to. I’m no longer pandering to stereotypical roles, I get to play multi-layered characters –– they’re flawed, vulnerable, diabolical, powerful.

Q. What has parenting taught you? And what is the most important thing you teach your child?

Lara Dutta: Parenting teaches me daily—Saira shows me more about life and myself than I could ever teach her. She’s taught me patience and the beauty of simplicity. My biggest lesson to her is to value financial independence, pursue her passions unapologetically, and embrace life’s balance without guilt. I genuinely believe that if you can balance it all, you can do it all and have it all.

Q. Your husband and you are both well-known working professionals. How do you balance parenting duties?

Lara Dutta: Mahesh and I agreed early on, even before we had Saira, that one of us would always be with the child. We have never faulted on that yet. This shared, solid commitment to what our priorities in life are is key to building a great marriage and parenting.

And I’m very fortunate. I have a man who is the wind beneath my wings and has never imposed on me to put my career second or to put it on hold. He has supported me in every way, including in the parenting field, to really look after our daughter, and he’s a very, very hands-on father. As I am, I’m a hands-on mother and that’s how we make it work. The most important thing is that for both of us, regardless of what we’ve got going on in our lives, Saira will always be our number one priority.

Q. What do you feel is the secret to a happy and healthy marriage? What are the dos and don’ts you follow as a couple?

Lara Dutta: What is the secret? If anybody can tell me that, I will pay them handsomely.

No marriage is easy…you have to work at it every single day, chip away at it and go through difficult times, arguments, and differences in opinion to build a worthy relationship. I think being committed to doing that together, having some common goals, and allowing each other the space to breathe and follow each other’s dreams and passions, and supporting each other to do that are key. A tonne of honesty and making space for vulnerability are also important. It sounds philosophical but you put all of these bits and parts together and then you have a relationship that amounts to something.

Q. You recently opened up about being a “tomboy” –– how did that “you” go on to become a beauty queen?

Lara Dutta: I am one of the boys in the industry. Most of my co-stars call me by a nickname –– Lara Paji. I get along with men because I like hiking, fishing and sports. Maybe that makes me easy to relate to in a man’s world. But that doesn’t take away the fact that I can be a complete woman too.

Yes, I continue to be a tomboy, and I don’t see why a tomboy can’t be a beauty queen. Maybe society has a skewed image of beauty queens, but I am an example of the fact that you don’t have to be poised and perfect and erudite all the time, playing to the gallery of being the most compassionate sort of person in the world. You can be you. You can be a tomboy and still rule the hearts of well…pretty much the universe.

Q. How do you handle negativity on social media?

Lara Dutta: I keep a balance, sharing only what I’m comfortable with and maintaining the dignity and privacy of those parts of life that are not meant to be shared. Trolls often reflect their struggles, so I don’t let their comments affect me. Honestly, I don’t have that much negativity on my social media; I’m happy with the exposure that I allow and get. I take criticism in stride and focus on positivity.

Lara Dutta was crowned Miss Universe 2000. (Express Photo)

Q. How do you cope with rejection and failure without affecting your mental health? During your years of active acting, was there any incident that adversely affected your mental health; if yes, when and how?

Lara Dutta: Rejection is inevitable, especially in the film industry. I think I’ve learned to view life as an observer, letting successes and failures pass without attachment.

Of course, who hasn’t felt moments of doubt, low self-esteem, or depression? I think it’s a very natural thing to feel, and it’s very important that you recognise those moments when they come and talk about them to whoever is in your safe circle or find a professional who you can reach out to and talk to. I have done so in the past and found that it’s benefited me tremendously, and I advocate it more to people.

I always say that we constantly feel that every other organ is allowed to break down in our body but our brain isn’t. Who says our brain is sort of unsusceptible to being able to break down? You need to be able to know if you go to a doctor to treat any other organ in your body. Why not go to the right doctor to be able to treat your mind? We need to take that stigma away from it. Sadly enough, it is still a massive stigma in society to say, ‘I’m going to speak to a psychiatrist or I need therapy’. We need to start normalising that.

Q. Returning to social media, how have you regulated the usage of your daughter? Have there ever been instances of her reading up something negative about her parents and asking you about it? How have/will you deal with such a situation?

Lara Dutta: My daughter is only 12 years old and not on social media. She’s not allowed yet. And I don’t think I will allow her to be on social media until I know she is mature enough to deal with the good and the bad that come with it. She understands her parents are public personalities. Things are discussed at home, openly, in quite a grown-up manner, including the perils of social media and the responsibilities. And thankfully enough, I have a kid who gets it. And so, there is a sense of responsibility. She doesn’t feel like she needs to be on social media now, which I’m grateful For. And when the time comes, I’m sure she will be equipped to know how to handle it.

Does she read about negative things? Yes, of course. We’ve created an environment where she feels confident and free to ask her parents about something she has come across. And then we discuss why things might be said or what is being said and whether there is truth to it, whether there isn’t. The idea is to cultivate a healthy conversation. The idea is that no topic is taboo between the three of us. Never at any given time should my child feel that there is a subject or a topic that she cannot approach us about. And we try as much as possible not to trivialise things or make them frivolous. We talk about them as a matter of fact, and then I think she appreciates that and gets It.

Q. You were pretty active during pregnancy and also did prenatal yoga. But most people do not talk about their postpartum journey: body weight, mood swings, sleepless nights, lack of support, and mental pressures. How was your experience?

Lara Dutta: I will be honest. Since I was active right through my pregnancy, I enjoyed it. It wasn’t difficult. But it is terrifying to be a mother, especially if it’s your first time, and being responsible for a tiny, helpless being. I think young mothers feel overwhelmed because there is suddenly this huge responsibility, and you become your last priority. But you learn every single day. And of course, you deal with wanting to lose the baby weight. Today, in my 40s, I am possibly going through far more changes, even hormonal, than I did after delivery.

I come from a family of women and I have two older sisters. So, I had a wonderful support system that helped me navigate motherhood. It’s important to build a tribe around yourself. I’ve always been a woman’s woman. One of the things that are sacrosanct to me is my group of girlfriends. And I would wish that for every single woman. It needn’t be an army, just a few women in your life that become your backbone. I find that I can navigate my life so much better because of my girlfriends and the wonderful women that I have. So that part of my life is definitely indispensable.

Q. What is the secret to your good health and glowing skin?

Lara Dutta: For me, fitness means strength, not being skinny. I’ve been someone who’s done yoga, strength training, and breathwork all my life, and now, in my 40s, the changes in your body––muscle loss, bone loss, calcium loss – affects you a lot less. Also, for me, exercising the mind is as important as exercising the body. I’ve been a big proponent of breathwork and meditation since my early 20s. It grounds you, and makes you unshakable, regardless of everything that’s going around you.

Yes, there are days of struggle, not being happy with yourself, but those days, more than anything else, you need to have compassion. Cut yourself some slack. Those are the days when you need to love yourself. It’s really important.

I try to eat as healthy as I can to ensure I’m getting enough protein. I have been a vegetarian for quite a few years now. I enjoy that lifestyle. I find that keeping things simple, balanced, and maybe even just eating the same things over some time help me regulate and keep my weight in check, get my exercise, drink enough water, and work. Working keeps a lot of other ills at bay. So, I love keeping busy and working.

Q. One thing not many people know about Lara Dutta – the mother, the actor, the beauty queen, and the entrepreneur.

Lara Dutta: Well, 25 years in the business, I don’t think there’s any question left to ask me. What do they not know about me? I snort when I laugh. What else? I sing when I’m nervous, but I sing for myself. I’m also the bossiest in my friend group, constantly planning adventures like trekking or hiking. I am impulsive, too. It keeps my friends circle on their toes.