‘Left me on seen, stopped replying, then cut off ties’: Rise of ghosting in modern dating

Among these is Arpita Chowdhury, a 22-year-old journalist, who admits being on both sides of the coin. “First they left me on seen, then they stopped replying, and eventually cut off ties without any explanation,” she said.

On the other hand, she confessed to having ghosted numerous people, too. “Sometimes, I would feel very irritated or uncomfortable around someone and decide to shut off the toxicity immediately. Other times, I have failed to express that I don’t want that person in my life anymore and found ghosting the most convenient way to move out of it.”

However, Chowdhury agrees that social media has made it easier to ghost people. “In today’s age, hiding behind screens and ignoring people has become very easy. Digital mediums give one the privilege to pick and choose. One is not forced to see another person’s face and invest a significant amount of emotional and physical energy to have a conversation or relationship going,” she said.

Similarly, Anushka Pandey, 23, a copywriter, has ghosted guys who “push for a hookup on the first date or dislike feminists”. “These both are big red flags for me, and it’s easy to hit that ghost button when it happens,” she explained.

Parvati Malik*, 24, has also experienced the phenomenon many times. “Once, it was a guy who I was interested in. We went for a couple of dates, and I thought we could start dating. Before this could happen, he started ignoring my messages. I confronted him when he left me on seen numerous occasions. Finally, he blocked me from everywhere,” she shared.

While this left Malik utterly devastated, ghosting “doesn’t really get to me”, said Pandey. “I like to concentrate on being confident, enjoying the company and having a good time. If they choose to ghost, that’s entirely their call. It’s not my fault.”

As for Chowdhury, she shared similar sentiments as Malik, and admitted having severe anxiety and self-esteem issues after being ghosted. “Many thoughts come to my mind, like have I done something wrong? Or am I talking rubbish? Or am I overstepping? I start doubting myself and engage in self-blaming.”

So, what exactly is ghosting and why do people ghost others?

Ghosting becomes a passive way to signal disinterest without explicitly stating it. (Source: Freepik)

According to Karima Ben Abdelmalek, CEO and dating expert at happn, a dating app, in the realm of modern dating, ghosting is when someone unexpectedly and without warning ceases conversation with someone they’ve been dating or talking to — practically vanishing like a ghost. “It can happen at any point in a relationship — from the first exchange of messages to multiple dates later.”

Ghosting can be emotionally hurtful and confusing for the person who experiences it, Dr Jyoti Kapoor, founder-director and senior psychiatrist at Manasthali, said, adding that it leaves them uncertain and confused.

She attributes ghosting to a variety of reasons and motivations that can be complex and deeply personal. “While ghosting is generally considered an inconsiderate and hurtful way to end a relationship, understanding the underlying reasons can shed light on the complexities of human behaviour.”

Dr Kapoor said one of the primary reasons is avoidance of confrontation. “People may fear conflict or hurting the other person’s feelings. Ghosting allows them to exit a relationship without facing these challenges directly.”

Another reason, as per Sidhharrth S Kumaar, relationship coach & founder, NumroVani, is loss of interest. “People may lose interest or attraction in a relationship but find it difficult to articulate their changing feelings. Ghosting becomes a passive way to signal disinterest without explicitly stating it,” he said.

Kumaar also believes that ghosting provides a fast and easy technique to disconnect with someone without having to spend time or energy on “coming to a more polite conclusion”. He attributes the behaviour to individuals who lack emotional intelligence or maturity.

However, Dr Kapoor feels that a single motive does not always drive it. It can result from a mix of external and internal factors, such as fear of rejection, emotional unavailability, lack of communication skills, or an unintended consequence of overwhelming stress or pressure in daily life.

“Ironically, some people ghost others because they fear being rejected themselves, while some individuals may be dealing with their own emotional issues, baggage, or trauma — making it challenging for them to engage in healthy communication or sustain a relationship,” she said.

While ghosting can cause emotional distress, feelings of abandonment or rejection, confusion and self-doubt, low self-esteem, loss of trust, and a negative impact on mental health, according to Dr Austin Fernandes, psychiatrist, Dr L H Hiranandani Hospital, Powai, Mumbai, it can also make one overcautious of future relationships.

Prakriti Poddar, mental health advocate and global head, mental health and wellbeing, RoundGlass Living app, emphasises the importance of understanding that being ghosted is “not a reflection of your inadequacy or worth”. “Instead, view it as an opportunity for self-reflection, personal growth, and the discovery of your own path to fulfilment.”

Here are some ways to cope with being ghosted:

Acknowledge your feelings: Give yourself permission to experience the emotions associated with being ghosted. Don’t suppress or ignore them.

Seek support: Reach out to friends, therapists, or counsellors to talk about your feelings. They can provide patient listening and valuable insights.

Avoid self-blame: Remember that ghosting reflects the other person’s behavior and is not a reflection of your worth as an individual.

Don’t rush into new relationships: Take the time to heal and avoid jumping into new relationships hastily.

Focus on self-improvement: Use this time for activities that bring you happiness and personal growth.

Consider closure for yourself: Sometimes, writing a letter to the person who ghosted you can help you process your emotions and find closure.

Resist the urge to keep reaching out: Understand that their silence is a message and move forward.

By not fixating on those who have ghosted you and surrounding yourself with individuals who value and respect you and who are open to communication, you can rebuild your self-worth and approach future relationships with a healthier mindset. You deserve someone better than a ‘ghost.’

*Names changed on request for anonymity

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