Tags:
Journalism of Courage
And to think, same time 57 years ago, Nehru had just finished telling us about our tryst with destiny. It still gives me goose bumps that speech: ‘‘Long years ago we made a tryst with destiny, and now the time comes when we shall redeem our pledge.’’ It was all so lofty, so glowing with the promise of ‘‘India discovering herself’’. And to think we are still in discovery-mode. We are, for instance, discovering how to ensure that all our children go to school (don’t blame us for that, it’s because those lazy, snotty-nosed little twerps have an attitude problem and prefer to ride on the backs of buffaloes instead) and to end hunger (not our fault, again, this is just because so many in this country subscribe to those fancy diets that allow you just one square meal or 200 calories a day, whichever is less).
But today is a day of celebration and I want to flag the things we excel in. Here’s my personal list of the Five Things That I Most Like About Us.
WE ARE THE WORLD’S BEST TRAVELLERS:
We travel anywhere, anytime, any way. It is as if Nehru had said: ‘‘Long years ago we made a tryst with the travel agent and now the time comes when we shall redeem our tickets.’’ We travel on the backs of camels or mules, in the holds of aircraft or steamers, in refrigeratored containers or inside whales (no, just kidding, so far no Indian has been discovered travelling inside a whale without proper travel documentation). Our trains, planes, buses are filled to the brim with Indians on the move. The tiffin carrier and monkey cap are our unique contributions to the travel accessories sector. Our talent for perambulation is so established that it’s now believed that Marco Polo was really an Indian—one Markaram Poloram—who decided to take an after-dinner stroll one day and ended up in Venice, from where he promptly started on his return journey, to end up in China. The rest, as they say, is history.
WE ARE THE WORLD’S BEST DANCERS:
Bharatanatyam runs in our blood. Bhangra is part of our DNA. We can oscillate, vibrate, undulate, agitate, wag, waggle, wiggle, wriggle, wobble, wave, shake and shiver every moveable part of our body at a speed faster than light. Why do you think all our film hits have the same plot, more or less: Young Man with a Pelvis meets Young Woman with a Pelvis after which they fall in love and promptly oscillate their respective pelvises to the beat of ‘Shava, shava’, until the time comes for them to gyrate their way into the gloaming.
WE ARE THE WORLD’S BEST HONKERS:
Put the average Indian behind the wheel and he/she will honk like there is no tomorrow. When we need to apply the brakes, we don’t. We honk furiously instead. When we need to slow down, we honk, when we need to rev up, we honk, when we need to stop at a red light, we honk, when we need to overtake, we honk. When we feel frustrated, we honk, when we feel elated, we honk. And, of course, when we are stuck in a traffic jam—which is what we are 98 per cent of our driving time—we honk like 50,000 mooses in the mating season.
WE ARE THE WORLD’S BEST VOTERS:
We are a nation that loves elections. We have an enormous appetite for political speeches and election promises. We stand patiently under the scorching sun to listen and sometimes cheer the long yarns spun by people who swear to transform our lives and who we know will promptly disappear thereafter. Then we patiently wait for poll day and press the button on them so that they actually do disappear from our lives. Sometimes we play little games. For example, we vote someone in with a huge majority and then feed him or her to the lions the next time around. But this we do mainly to fool the psephologists, whom we also love to punish.
WE ARE THE WORLD’S BEST CRICKET EXPERTS:
As you know, India can pack a mean stadium several times over. And each one of the ten million who flock to witness an average cricket match is a greater expert in the game than all the contributors to Wisden put together. That’s why you have these raging controversies all the time: Should Saurav Ganguly captain the Indian team, or not? Should Rahul Dravid double up as wicket-keeper or not? Should Sachin Tendulkar open or come in as Number 4? Each one of these issues has the potential to become the Mahabharata of the Moment, ignite primeval passions, bring the riot police on to the streets. Cricket is one reason why India always appears to be on the brink of a civil war. (As for my opinion on those three issues of vital national interest, it’s: Yes, No, Don’t care).
