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Journalism of Courage
General Musharaf was not convinced with the reasons being trotted out for the World Cup defeat against India. ‘‘First of all,’’ he asked the cricket board chief, ‘‘why was this Rawalpindi Express bowling like one of Japan’s bullet trains?’’
‘‘I think this was a conspiracy by Indian agencies because Shoaib had been asked to bowl faster and faster,’’ replied the cricket board chief. ‘‘After achieving speeds of 150 kmph he wanted to cross the 200 kmph mark. When he bowled to Tendulkar he wanted to bowl at 300 kmph, so he was not looking at the wickets but at the boundary line behind Tendulkar.’’
‘‘I thought we had this chap Tendulkar sorted out,’’ quizzed the General.
‘‘India’s Bollywood is known to create body doubles. They have created one of Tendulkar called Sehwag. When Tendulkar hit Shoaib for a six on a bouncer Sehwag repeated the same shot with similar effect. We understand that he is now practicing Tendulkar’s squeaky voice.’’ explained the Pak cricket chief.
‘‘But look at the team spirit of Team India,’’ said the General. ‘‘They huddle in a corner every time a wicket falls. Sometimes they climb on each other…why can’t we do something like that.’’
‘‘We tried the same thing during a practice match. But Inzi, who hates these ‘male huddles’’ ended up beating Youhana,’’ informed the cricket chief.
‘‘How is it that Indian fast bowlers like Javagal Srinath managed to bowl in spite of being strict vegeterains,’’ asked the General.
‘‘Sir, you must recall the studies we made that forced us to look at Indian habits. It was only when a Congress Chief Minister admitted that he drank cow’s urine that we told our coach to make sure the Pakistanis are given enough of it so that they perform.’’
‘‘So why didn’t they perform,’’ thundered the General.
‘‘We were told cows could only perform in India. It is a highly emotive issue for Hindus,’’ replied the cricket chief. ‘‘But in Pakistan, cows do not seem to have made much of an impact. In fact, we have noticed certain behavioural changes in some of our players. Some of them actually became friendly with their Indian counterparts.’’
‘‘This is ridiculous,’’ screamed the General. ‘‘I am told we failed with goat’s milk too.’’
‘‘Yes we tried it out on Inzi. But after goat’s milk, from being an in-form aloo he has become an out-of-form bhindi.’’
Musharraf was hoping for a win against India, which would have been a much needed morale booster at a time when the entire world was looking at Iraq and not Kashmir. He asked his foreign policy adviser why the Arab states were buckling to Bush’s pressure on Iraq.
‘‘The same reason we buckled under pressure,’’ replied the security advisor. ‘‘As you must be aware, not only is the FBI arresting, detaining and deporting our own homegrown terrorists, the US wants the FBI agents to be awarded for gallantry by the Pakistan government. The same FBI agents have asked all Pakistanis in the US to register themselves at police stations every month as ‘aliens’.’’
‘‘What is the world coming to,’’ sighed Musharraf. ‘‘You have a vegetarian team that produces fast bowlers who take wickets, a Chief Minister who survives by drinking cow’s urine and a George Bush who ignores his ally France in the war against Iraq and humiliates his strongest ally Pakistan in the war against terror.’’
